pi_beta_alpha (pi_beta_alpha) wrote in bsc_snark,

#3: The Truth About Stacey! Ch. 6-10

I got behind on my search for meme's and gif's, so there's a lack of illustrated insanity in this particular write up, so I'll apologize in advance.

Chapter 6! Stacey and Kristy are totally willing to put every batshit plan Kristy originally had into action but Claudia and MA are like “I don’t want to be the Stoneybrook version of Consuela, FFS.”

While they’re busy squabbling, arguing over whether Mr. Superman no es here or not, and bitch slapping one another, the BSA gets another step ahead by recruiting kids at school to join their club and make “fast money the easy way.” Liz is staring triumphantly at this group of 12 year olds reading the flier and all this is really doing is making me so glad that being a teenager is behind me. Mary Anne makes the only sane point I’ve seen this chapter thus far by pointing out that Liz and Michelle probably don’t screen their potential sitters and will hire any old meth addict off the street. Kristy’s all “why should Liz and Michelle care as long as they get their pay cut?” and the rest of the sitters shut their mouths like it’s set in stone. I’ll TELL you why Liz and Michelle should care. You cannot control what comes out of a kids mouth. If the baby-sitters are nasty fucks and are mean/negligent towards the kids, the kids are going to eventually act weird or say something incriminating or suspicious to their parents. If the parents have two brain cells to rub together they’ll eventually compare notes with other parents and realize the Baby Shitters Agency isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. They round the corner and see a sign up booth that’s apparently crowded with kids of all ages wanting to join and I honestly gotta call bullshit on this one. If that many kids are eagerly waiting to join a club consisting of baby-sitting, wouldn’t the BSC had more kids asking to join, and wouldn’t they have more competition from sitters working on their own? Kristy drags her minions to the restroom and I grow fearful she’s going to try to flush Claudia and MA for insubordination, but alas she just starts to bite their heads off when Claudia and MA say they were wrong and they’ll do anything to help keep the club intact. MA suggests they meet at lunch, and Kristy rolls her eyes and is all “and risk having our conversation bugged? I don’t care what ANY of your are doing after school. I’m calling a triple emergency meeting.” Well, shit. What if they had a baby-sitting job? What if Stacey was having a check up with the diabeetus doctor? What if Mary Anne was scheduled to have a spine implanted, or Claudia was going to make a billion dollars by gluing a twinkie to a piece of construction paper and charging admission for the entire neighborhood to come gaze upon its twinkie-ness? Who cares! Triple emergency meeting, fuck your plans, see you at 3:30. At the triple emergency meeting, she announces they’re going to recruit older sitters and if you don’t like it, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT. That…was the most ridiculously stupid ending to a chapter yet. Worst emergency meeting ever. Whatever, Krusty.

Chapter 7! Stacey talks about how much her Thanksgiving vacation sucked. She spends the first half of it pissed off at the BSA for hurting their club, and she spends the 2nd half of the vacation pissed off at her parents. Over the summer they were all like “We’ll totally go back to NYC for Thanksgiving”, and at the last minute, Kristy calls a totally quadruple emergency mandatory meeting on Thanksgiving Day to inform the sitters that Louie the Collie has tapeworms. No, I kid. Ed and Maureen bullshit around about having an “old fashioned New England holiday”, and they stay home. Stacey manages to enjoy the day, and on Black Friday she and her parents go to Washington Mall (I really hope she isn’t chewing gum, lest she become an evil gum chewing mallrat.) Stacey’s parents drop the bomb that the real reason they didn’t want to go to NYC for Thanksgiving was because of the schedule with the new doctor; they’d be gone for 5 days instead of 3, and near Christmas as well and they were afraid it would be too much in too short of a time period. Stacey is now pissed.   Her dad bribes her with tickets to Paris Magic, and Stacey’s like “LOL OK THEN”. She asks what her normal doctor thinks of the new guy who’s name is Dr. Barnes, but I figure is really Dr. Nick Riviera (HI EVERYBODY) and Maureen’s like “oh, we haven’t told Dr. Werner yet. Heh, probably should do that, huh. LOL we so funny.” They mention the word holistic and she thinks they mean a faith healer and it’s actually quite hilarious at the scene she’s probably causing at this little coffee shop that this conversation is taking place in. Stacey is still pissed off and makes sure everyone knows it.

Later on she’s sitting for Charlotte, whom she hasn’t seen for a while. When the Dr. J gets home, Stacey asks to speak to her in private and tells her about this new doctor. Dr. J immediately knows who she’s talking about and basically tells her that he’s nothing but a quack receiving a lot of publicity. He’s giving good holistic doctors a bad name and probably won’t do any harm, but more than likely won’t do any good. Stacey begs Dr. J to tell her parents not to waste their time or money on a piece of shit, and Dr. J is understandably concerned about crossing some etiquette boundaries. She promises that she’ll do something but just needs time to think, which I think is kind of kick ass of Dr. J.

Chapter 8! Kristy’s calling in her favor from the club members. On the first day back to school after vacation, she orders them all to wear a sandwich board that basically says “fuck the BSA, join the BSC!” MA is trying to figure out how she can suck herself into the board to avoid being seen, like a turtle, and Stacey’s all “oh shut up it’s not that bad” until a bus full of high school boys start hooting at them. Kristy, being allergic to boys, is unfazed but Claudia has no problems repeating “IM DYING IM DYING” over and over again. Wait until you hit college, kids. Wearing a sandwich board to classes won’t be an experience done completely sober but it’ll be fucking hilarious, you’ll see.

Stacey talks to a few kids, mainly one who says she watches TV while sitting, and another who says the notebook sounds like bullshit. Pete Black sits next to Stacey at lunch and is all nicey nicey about the sandwich board, and chooses that moment to choke on his food, then ask Stacey to the dance. That sounds pretty damn kinky if you ask me. Pete must like sandwich board and choking fore-play. Late 1990’s AOL probably had a message board for that. Anyhow, Stacey’s all a flutter when Claudia and MA come up empty handed for new members, even though MA is probably going to be suffering from angina for the rest of her life because of the amount of embarrassment she’s experienced. Kristy’s all grinning like a pig in shit when she proudly states she’s recruited two new members who happen to hate Liz and Michelle because the way they run the BSA sucks ass. Kristy has stupidly told Janet and Leslie that they can be members without so much as asking them “do you have a criminal record? Do you have any experience with kids? Are you high more than 75% of the time? You do realize that crying infants should NOT be given beer, right?” Oh Kristy. Is this another one of your “great ideas”? While they’re contemplating all these potential issues, they realize the phone hasn’t rang once, and by 6:00 they haven’t gotten a single call.

Chapter 9! The girls are bored so they call Mrs. Newton to see if they can come visit Lucy. Since Kristy is practically foaming at the mouth, Mrs. Newton says it will be alright just so long as Kristy is up to date on her rabies vaccination. After a quick jab at the vet, the girls collect presents for Lucy and Jamie who, upon answering the door, adorably asks his mom if any of those presents are for him. He’s thrilled when he learns four out of eight are for him and I gotta throw these bitches a bone for remembering the “old” kid in the face of a newborn. The girls are transfixed at how tiny the baby is, and once Lucy is old enough to walk, scream, and throw things, they’ll suddenly forget this magic moment. They also can’t believe how fat Mrs. Newton still is. Friggin’ Kristy opens her big mouth and asks Mrs. Newton why she is using that bitch Liz and not her to watch the kids and basically trails off after realizing what an asshole she sounds like. Mrs. Newton is embarrassed and says she wants someone more experienced watching her newborn until she’s a little older, and there will be times when it’s just Jamie and sure she’ll use the BSC then, and when Lucy is older they can sit for her too, and please don’t hit me I have two babies, etc. Kristy refrains from shanking Mrs. Newton in the gut, but her ass is officially chapped.

Later on, Janet and Leslie, the make up wearing, shaggy haired, gum snapping bitches show up at the BSC meeting. Janet is 13, Leslie is 14, and Stacey is impressed because even though they’re obviously Future Hookers of America material, they can stay out late and sit for 3 or 4 kids at a time. I remember being totally impressed because “OMG 14 THAT’S LIKE SO OLD.” (Now, it’s like, you’re 14? *flick* get out of my way, you little shit.) It’s amazing how your perceptions of age change as you get older. When I was in pre-K, our bus picked up some extra kids occasionally. One day I was sitting alone and the last stop of the ride was to pick up a younger high school kid. There was nowhere else for him to sit, so he sat next to me and I was terrified because this guy seemed to tower over me and was HUGE. I asked him what grade he was in and he said “9th” and my tiny jaw fell. It was like he’d said “I’m also married, the father of 7 children and 19 grandchildren, a Revolutionary War veteran, and started using Medicare in the late 1600’s”. At my 4 ½ years, 9th grade seemed so…old, almost an unattainable age that I would never, ever reach even if I lived to be a billion. Now, I see 9th grade boys hanging around the school and I crack up because they remind me of Bambi on ice. All leg, no coordination, and anytime a girl is around they turn into complete idiots. And I remember 4 ½ year old me freaking the fuck out because a 9th grader was about ready to die of old age. Anyway, the next day the BSC distributes fliers and call their best customers to tell them they now have Big Kids on their team. Friday, Leslie and Janet each get late night jobs for first time clients. Could it BE any more obvious where this is going?

Chapter 10:   The phone is ringing at the ol’ BSC headquarters on Monday, even though it’s 5:35 and Janet and Leslie have yet to show up. Kristy is stroking her baseball bat as the sitters are taking jobs, and eventually they realize it’s 10 of 6 and neither one of their new members showed up. They start bitching about irresponsibility and how they all want to call them and flog them for insubordination when the phone rings. MA answers it and is all “OMG NO WAI”. Apparently Leslie never showed up at her night job for the new clients of the BSC. Are you shocked? Apparently these people were pretty damn pissed off and won’t be using the BSC again in the future. Immediately the phone rings and it’s the OTHER new client their OTHER new sitter was supposed to sit for and didn’t show up for. I think of how nostalgic these old books are, when all you had to do was say “yeah, I’ve never killed a kid intentionally” and you were automatically in the BSC. This must have been a bad experience for Kristy, because not 11 books later Mallory had to draw the human “divestive” system, know the difference between creeping and crawling, and know how to apply a tourniquet in order to be welcome into the club even though they all knew firsthand that the Pike’s have been using her as free slave labor since she was old enough to say “fucking hell, they’re just socks. I only need, like, 3 pairs in order to be complete and emotionally balanced.” Well, in all fairness, Kristy is pretty upset and actually cries a little. She insists they confront those two bitches in person at school, and everyone but Mary Anne is all over that shit. I think MA realizes it’s a stupid idea, but agrees, because she’s a doormat.

The girls ambush Leslie and Janet the next morning at their home rooms. They’re all snapping their gum, laughing, flipping their hair, and asking one another if they have lipstick on their teeth when they tell Kristy that they’re BSA members and totally are friends of Liz and Michelle. The BSC calls them every G-rated name in the book, and they take no offense until Kristy points out that they’re shit sitters because what decent sitter schedules a job and just doesn’t show up? I hit myself over the head with a Krushers bat because I AGREE. I AGREE WITH KRISTY THOMAS. Kristy then goes on to say that she’s going to call the parents and explain what happened, and that stops Janet and Leslie in their tracks and are all “Liz will be interested in your plans and it won’t take much to still be the best sitters around.” I’d laugh in their fucking faces at that if I were them, but they just snot “later, KIDS” and go into their home rooms. Kristy loses her shit again and starts crying and wails about how a baby-sitting club was THEIR idea. Actually, no, it really wasn’t, because I’m pretty sure shit like the BSC and the BSA existed way before you were born, Kristin. But on the flip side, she makes a good point when she says that even when the BSA opened up, they never tried to outright slander them or hurt them, they just wanted to protect what they already had. Claudia, the one who is supposed to have an I.Q. of -6, reminds them that they really can’t do a damn thing about their curfews and their ages, so all they can do is continue to do a good job by being prompt, on time, and good with their charges and I want to hand this kid a gold fucking starcrunch because she’s absolutely right. Stacey stupidly points out that they could always do the housework and lower their wages and Kristy, of all people, puts her foot down and says that’s stupid. She’s right. I agree with Kristy. Again. And I officially knock myself out cold with that damn Krushers bat.


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