Lemme tell you guys, this wasn't easy. It's not easy making me hate someone as much as I hate Kristy but Stacey sure is trying her hardest. Why is this called Stacey's Secret Friend? She's not her fucking friend. She's a hideous little scrotum of lies and deceit. I have never read so much criticism and judgmental thoughts before. Like what's it to you what Tess does, Stacey? Do you really have to butt into someone's personal life and make sure the get the McGill stamp of approval? Just fuck off to Legoland. And take your shit attitude with you. Warning: There is a ton of swearing in this. It was the only way to articulate my hatred. Plus swearing is good for you and gets you through tough ordeals. Tally-ho!
Let's talk about the cover for a second.
Do I even need to point out how cute pink overalls are? They're just like the ones Rei had on Sailor Moon! Is that outfit really all that bad? Of course not! But Stacey clearly thinks so in her prune jacket with a mustard stripe! And look at all those shitholes laughing behind Tess's back. It's supposed to show that Stacey is the good guy here but she's no better. She's laughs behind Tess's back while acting like her friend to her face. You're a shit lord, McGill and I hate you.
Stacey is helping to make a paper mâché jaguar for a pep rally. She says she's on the pep squad and I dunno. Kristy approving of a non-BSC related past time? Even though Claudia isn't on the pep squad, she still helped because no one can do an art project without her help. And they act like her thinking to use green marbles for eyes is such an amazing thing that no one else could come up with. So, Claudia's on the same boat as Kristy. In that they come up with really mundane ideas and people act like it's the most novel thing they heard of. Also how big are those marbles? Stacey says the jaguar is about the size of a kid. Marbles would be pretty beady eyes. Even large ones like she says.
Just as they're about to take the jaguar back to the art room, a girl walks into it and puts a hole into it. Who does that? How do you miss a big paper mâché jaguar? I hate when things don't make any sense and are there just to further the plot. She was just cleaning her glasses. You can still see shapes with your glasses off. I know that for a fact. And why weren't they working on it in the art room in the first place? Again plot. The girl introduces herself as Tess Swinhart and I'm not gonna lie. Altessa is my favourite girl's name, so I already like Tess. Stacey notes that she talks strange with a singsong lilt to her voice. I can't really think how that would sound. All that comes to mind is a Southern belle type voice.
Stacey goes on to say that Tess is big boned and about 5' 9" with blonde hair and blue eyes. So, a Valkyrie. Better than having permed hair and a snot personality. Also on the cover they're pretty much the same height so, shut up, Stacey. She's wearing-a short, pale pink cardigan buttoned up to the top. It covered a white blouse with a lace-trimmed Peter Pan collar, which peeked over the cardigan. Her pants were loose-fitting brown corduroys. And, as I mentioned, she was wearing black boots. (I couldn’t help thinking that she must have been cleaning her glasses when she put that outfit together too. But I quickly pushed that mean thought aside.) What a fucking snot. Now, I probably wouldn't wear the pants but a pink cardigan with a lacy Peter Pan collar blouse? Super cute. And being someone who regularly wore jumpsuits and jellies with socks, you have zero right to judge, McGill.
Tess says that she's into art and offers to help them repair the jaguar. So she's really nice and yet all anyone cares about is her looks. What a great message to teach young girls! Be as good a person as you want but make sure you fit into what society deems acceptable! Don't go over a size four and only Claudia can dress unique! Seriously, fuck you, Suzanne Weyn. As if girls aren't put under enough pressure to fit in. And knowing the end of this book just makes me rage inside. Now, I'm used to BSC books having really shitty morals but this one ranks pretty high up the chart. Also whenever I think of jaguars I think of the guy from Space Channel 5. Or Jet Jaguar.
On her way back to the art room, Tess knocks into Alan while holding a bucket of paper mâché and gets it all over him. And because this book paints Alan as a bully rather than just a class clown, he's pissed. Calm your tits, Alan. It washes out. Or it should anyway. Also how does bumping into someone lead to you dumping a bucket on them? They just really want to make Tess out as a klutz. And we know how the BSC feels about clumsy people. They're doing it on purpose and worse than Satan. Stacey hopes that Alan won't be a giant asshat about this but we all know where this is going.
At the BSC meeting everyone's judging Tess. Our protags everyone! Judgmental, hypocritical little snot rag bullies! Claudia calls her a dweeb and Stacey says her voice is like, super weird! And Abby says maybe she talks weird because she is weird! Oh, lol! You know, Abby, this is my first snark with you in it so try not to be a total bitch and ruin your first impression, 'kay? Oooh! But that means no Dawn! Yay!Zip zip zip over the exposition! Also I was just thinking this last night, Stacey gets her hair permed which means it must look close to Mal's. So, why the Hell is it ugly on Mal but sophisticated on Stacey? And now Abby has curly hair too? Jeeze, Ann really does hate Mal.
Back at school, Stacey sees Tess in the hall wearing- a hot pink sweat outfit with frilly lace around the collar and sleeves. Her large size, combined with the heavy black-rimmed glasses, made the outfit look … wrong. Way wrong. What. A. BITCH. Jesus Christ, Stacey! What's your Goddamn damage?! Also, I have heavy black rimmed glasses because I'm a
dirty hipster cheapskate. And guess what? I look mad fly in them. Let that girl wear what she likes! It's not affecting you in any way! And again, I've read some of the outfits you've worn and you cannot judge others. Need I remind you of this number-a short-sleeved blue-and-white jumpsuit with cuffed pants. Parts of it were striped, parts were solid. You think that clown outfit was better than what Tess wears?
You know, I was neutral on Alan before this, but I can see me hating him because of this book. And I know that's not really fair as he's way out of character but God, he's such a little shit! And so is Stacey. When Alan says Tess looks like a giant, neon pig, Stacey has to stop herself from laughing...Give me a minute here...Take a minute to watch this really long gif of bootleg Harry Potter subtitles.
What the Hell is wrong with Stacey?! What the Hell is wrong with this ghostie?! Are we supposed to be on her side?! Are we really supposed to side with a fucking bully?! You know, this is why I only read the first Artemis Fowl book. Because I couldn't stand him as a character. And I love assholes! The Malfoys were the main reason I kept reading Harry Potter. But at least they were antagonists! We knew we weren't supposed to side with them! I just liked them because they were such jerks and I have a weakness for blonds. Also Slytherin house represent! But Stacey is our protagonist. I get that she's going to learn a lesson, a shitty lesson but a lesson none the less. But good God! What a-a rotten, dity, mean little BITCH! It's basically saying that laughing at someone's appearance is totally okay! That calling someone bigger than you a pig is funny. I dunno, guys, I'm hoping I'm strong enough for this. I can't even drink to make it more tolerable. All I can do is stack things on Jynxie because she doesn't move. She has two pill bottles on her right now. Anyway!
In class Cokie hands Stacey a note with a drawing of a pig in glasses that's supposed to be funny. Stacey writes that it's not funny and I...You were just laughing at her being compared to a pig a minute ago...I need another minute here. Let's find a cute distraction, okay?
Ah, yes. That's better. No boop boops! In English class, Tess gets transferred from
remedial English and gets seated behind Stacey. Stacey asks her what she was doing in
remedial English and Tess starts to answer about her old school but gets interrupted by the teacher. Gee, ya think that will be important later on? Because BSC books are so subtle and all. Like a clown riding a flaming peacock into a rainbow while 'Rock Me Like a Hurricane' plays. They're reading The Canterbury Tales and isn't that book really dirty? Like a guy kissing a woman's butthole dirty?
The teacher says they have to do a project and work in pairs. And Tess, dear Tess, asks Stacey if she wants to be her partner. She doesn't realise Stacey is a giant bitchwad. Stacey says okay and points out that Tess has a gap in her teeth...You know, I don't think I've ever raged this hard on a BSC book. I would also like to point out that the guy Dawn liked in Baby-sitters on Board had a gap in his teeth and it was supposed to be cute. So, why is it a flaw on Tess? Oh, because the ghosties don't know shit and love to shit upon innocent people with their judgmental shitiness. Do they not think that oh, maybe a young girl reading this might have a gap tooth? Not everyone is perfect as your Stepford wife, lily-white ass, Stacey/Suzanne!
Tess suggests they build a castle because she 'adores the Middle ages'. Which of course causes Stacey to snot about that. What, Stacey? People can't be interested in things you don't personally approve of?! If Tess had said she likes cockroaches and licking the floor at Bloomingdale's would that have been okay?! Go eat a bag of sugared dicks, McGill! You know, given all the ass pats the BSC gives themselves for being friends but so different, they're really intolerable about non-members having interests outside their own. And for your information, McGill, when I was younger than Tess I was in love with Greek and Egyptian mythology. I knew the Gods and monsters and stories. I would read the encyclopedia articles again and again. I had toys and a colouring book and watched Don't Eat the Pictures like a million times. So, you can take your shitty attitude and shove it right up your ass till it slams into your broken pancreas.
While heading to the cafeteria to work on the jaguar, Stacey sees Tess talking to local bad boy, Clarence King. She rushes over to protect Tess from any douchebaggery. Because she likes Tess so much and is such an all around good person. Listen here you sweaty ass pimple, you can't act protective of someone you clearly hate/pity. You can't think shitty, cruel things about someone then get offended when someone else acts on that. You're no better than any of the bullies in this shit trap. In fact, you're worse because you pretend to be Tess's friend. You are not her friend. As I said before, you don't even deserve friends. Not until you grow up and realise the world does not have to bend to your will. God, I hate Stacey.
Anyway, King (it's stupid but faster to write than Clarence) tells Tess welcome to SMS, Babe and walks off. Stacey tells Tess that King is a jerk and Tess says he seems nice enough. Stacey is like he called you Babe and Tess agrees that's not very PC. Stacey tells her to just avoid him and hand on Bible, I would give up my ovaries for King to be really into Tess. But that would mean being nice to a non-Mal non-BSC member. And we all know how Ann and the ghosties feel about that.
They go to work on the jaguar and Tess brought some wire mesh to wrap the frame in to make it sturdier. Stacey is amazed because even the all powerful Claudia didn't think of that! Which kinda cements my theory that Claudia isn't the wonderful artist they make her out to be. Using wire mesh for paper mâché is some basic stuff. They sell it right along paper sculpture supplies. Hell, how did they even make it in the first place with nothing to put it on? They had a balsa wood frame so I guess they just used long pieces of newspaper to cover it but they really should have put mesh on in the first place. Sorry to nerd out on you but art mistakes bug me.
.....................Good God...........I fucking HATE Stacey. She asks Tess about her old school and says her eyes were bright behind her 'awful glasses'...................YOU. ARE. SHIT. You are shit! You are shit! You are shit! Jesus Christ! How does one even get to being that big of a judgmental asshole!? You can't even listen to what someone is saying, especially if it's about themselves and they're clearly happy about it without pointing out that they're wearing something you don't approve of?! My God! I'm just-just flummoxed at this! Who the Hell writes a protag like this?! Why is this seen as okay behaviour?! This is awful! Just awful! If I saw Stacey I would rage vomit on her! I'm just-ahhhhh! I dunno guys...This is so bad.
While talking about her old school, Tess mentions that there was a river near by. But just as Stacey is asking on that, they get interrupted! Waa waa! Because we can't know that it's the river Seine yet! Stacey decides to drop some fashion hints at Tess because someone wearing what they please offends her. She name drops Mal and Tess calls her cute. Awww! They threw Mal a bone! Even though it's probably because they mixed her up with a dog. Stacey says Mal is dying for contacts and do you know any good places to get them? She hopes Tess will take the hint but she doesn't. And why would she? Not only is that a really stupid roundabout way to make a suggestion but don't you think Tess would have gotten contacts if she was interested? I wear my glasses all the time because I go out so rarely there's really no point in buying contacts if they'll expire before you even wore them twice. Get off your high horse, McGill. Or better yet, fall off and break your neck.
The next day, Stacey sees that someone wrote 'Hi, Petunia!' on Tess's locker and goes to erase it. Because she somehow knows that's Porky Pig's girlfriend. Shit, I didn't know that. Who the fuck would? I can get Stacey knowing because I know she likes Porky Pig but some random person? Bit of a stretch there, Weyn. She doesn't get it all wiped off by the time Tess comes to her locker and Tess doesn't get it either. Stacey doesn't think on it too much because she's snotting about Tess's outfit-A bright pink, yellow, and red plaid pantsuit. It looked like something I’d seen in old disco movies from the 1970s. I looked it up on etsy and they're not terrible. Better than jumpsuits anyway. But Tess didn't get the SMS rules memo that only Claudia can wear vintage clothes. Because you have to be a BSC member to dress unique. You have to have perfect skin and a trim figure and an IQ lower than your shoe size.
Tess invites Stacey over to her house to work on their castle and Stacey agrees. As Tess goes off Stacey realises, hey! I can totally use my time with her to tell her what to do with her life and how to dress in things I approve of! Hiddily diddily doo! I hate Stacey.
Baby-sitting chapter. Nope! I offer this pic of Lil' Bub as a substitute.