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Kids in Ms. Colman's Class #5 - The Snow Wars pt 2 - Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Dissecting the unintentional hilarity of The Baby-sitters Club.

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Kids in Ms. Colman's Class #5 - The Snow Wars pt 2 [Oct. 5th, 2012|06:50 pm]
Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest!


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I've been putting this off because the book is so fucking BORING. I really hope the next book is the one where Pamela finally shows up because I can't take any more of these nonentity children at the center of books!

Chapter 8: The Snow War

TGIF for Ian, who wants to spend his time reading and not having to avoid flying snowballs on the playground. My kind of kid.

While reading at recess, he occasionally glances up to see the kids sabotaging each others' snow forts, because kids are assholes. Hilariously, Leslie bitches Hannie out for being a thief because she stole Leslie's team's hoard of snowballs. Kid, they're snow. Just make more. I'd be more pissed by the busted-up forts that are going to take a ton of time to repair. Everyone threatens to tattle, but nobody goes through with it.

Ian can't figure out why they want to spend so much time and energy being assholes to each other instead of having fun. I think Ian and Natalie should start a club for the only SA kids with any sense.

Ms. Colman has allotted half an hour that day for paper snowflake making. Jesus. Do these kids every actually LEARN anything? Kids accuse each other of stealing snowflakes. Tammy accuses Hank of stealing her scissors, and Ian sees him smirking when he lies that he didn't. Ms. Colman attempts to rein them in with this:

“Class,” said Ms. Colman loudly. “I do not know what is going on here, but I would like you to get to work. If anybody sees Tammy’s scissors, please return them. In this class we do not take things that belong to other people. At least, not without asking first. Understand?”


Ian, meanwhile, duhs to himself that it's really not that hard to figure out what's going on. Seriously, kid. Why don't they skip YOU ahead a grade? You're smarter than the fucking adults in this school. At the same time, I'm not sure WHY no one has come to Ms. Colman about this stupid snow war bullshit. Karen and Leslie are both huge tattletales. And Ian just seems fed up enough that he would want this crap to end.

Chapter 9: The Snowflake War

Ian is almost done with They Came from Beyond and brings the next book in the series, Beyond Space, to school with him just in case he finishes the first one. Smart thinking, kid. He wonders what, exactly, could be beyond space except for more space. Again, why is THIS kid not considered more gifted than Karen the brat?

The Three Musketeers plus Ricky are bitching about having their snowflakes stolen or ruined. They accuse Jannie, who doesn't deny it but says it's just payback for their fort destruction.

Hilariously, Ian just thinks "oh, brother." I LOVE THIS KID.

Ms. Colman tells everyone to shut up and points out that if they keep stealing and destroying snowflakes, they won't have anything left for the booth and won't be able to have one. Of course, no one gets in trouble for stealing or ruining another person's property.

Chapter 10: Ian's Tooth

Okay, I knew this tooth would go off in the third act.

Ian wakes up nervous the next morning. He's scared to go to school because Ms. Colman was angry about the snowflakes. Yep. He's scared of the world's nicest teacher. Ian feels guilty, even though he's the only one not participating in this bullshit. Poor kid.

The kids shut up and behave themselves during class, but go all Battle Royale on the playground. Ian gets hit in the face with an iceball (how do you make an iceball without access to water?) and his tooth is knocked out. Mr. Tang, the teacher on playground duty (I'm assuming this is a shout-out to the illustrator), FINALLY thinks that maybe now it's time to step in. The kids tell him what's up, and he brings the story to Ms. Colman.

Ms. Colman tells the kids that if they don't cut the shit, they won't have a booth and none of the kids will be allowed to attend the carnival. Even Ian, who has had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS. I hate bullshit like this, where it just takes one kid to get the whole group punished. Especially when one of the kids has literally done nothing but get hit in the face by friendly fire.

Chapter 11: Ian Gets Mad

The kids are shocked into silence until the end of the day, when they all lay blame on each other while they leave the classroom. Audrey even has the balls to blame Ian for getting hit with a snowball, sitting on a rock under a tree where anyone could hit him. Ian is pissed, but Ms. Colman is staring at them, so he says nothing.

So Ian gets mad. But not at Ms. Colman, who he really should be mad at.

There is also a schoolwide ban on snowball-throwing.

Karen said, “Now what are we meant to do at recess?” WHAT SIX-YEAR-OLD TALKS LIKE THAT?! Also, the same shit you do when you're not throwing snowballs, dumbass. Why is she the smart one, again?

Chapter 12: The Spaceman

The kids are quietly being dicks, but Ian is still pissed about everything, so he just tunes it out. There's also this line in my ebook that I can't decipher:

Rants the toads,” said Ian.

Usually I can tell where the software made a WTF moment and what it's meant to say, but I'm at a complete loss here.

Ian has an inspired idea and asks permission to take a lunch tray to the playground with him. He uses it as a sled, on a giant hill that the playground has for some reason. Okay, that does sound fun, but also like he's actively trying to knock out the rest of his teeth.

Chapter 13: Apologies

The other boys are impressed and ask for a turn. They end up borrowing more trays and all the kids go "sledding" all recess.

Audrey is moved to apologize for being a bitch to Ian. The rest of the kids apologize to each other as well, because they've finally realized that it's more fun to get along than to be a bunch of dicks.

The kids also apologize to Ms. Colman, who accepts their apology. Ms. Colman does not apologize to Ian.

So Ian finally refuses to sit and take it, and tells Ms. Colman that he had nothing to do with the snow war, and it was unfair of her to threaten his winter carnival privileges along with everyone else's. He also thinks it isn't fair to punish the entire class because of one person's actions.

Surprisingly, Ms. Colman agrees with him and says she hadn't really thought through what she had said, and apologizes. Still don't think a seven-year-old should have to find the courage to stand up to an adult in charge to be treated fairly by the "nicest teacher in the world," but good on him.

Chapter 14: Snip, Snip, Snip

Time to really focus on the winter carnival! Karen volunteers Seth the Bearded Carpenter to build the booth. I'm sure he's thrilled about taking orders from his six-year-old stepdaughter, and no one tells the little brat that you ASK people to do you favors, not tell them that they're going to do them after you've promised others, because this is still Karen's world after all.

Natalie, being Natalie, is worried about writing incorrect fortunes on the snowflakes. She doesn't want to deceive people. Hilariously, Karen condescendingly tells Natalie that they aren't REALLY telling fortunes, then...asks Ms. Colman for confirmation because she's actually not sure either.

Everything else is taken care of, and everything is finally going smoothly.

Chapter 15: The Winter Carnival

The gym is transformed into a "winter wonderland" for the carnival, and Ian is pleased because his brother acts impressed. Since I'm pretty sure a fourteen-year-old wouldn't really find this that cool, once again I'm wondering why his brother is supposedly such a bully.

The carnival is awesome. Brownies cost ten cents, so I'm definitely sold on the awesomeness.

On the way home, Chip gives Ian the next book in the X-ers series that he happened to see at a used bookstore. WOW HE SURE IS A JERK.

Is my Ms. Colman hate just getting irrational now? I feel like I may be wasting too much energy hating on a fictional teacher. But damn she bugs me.

[User Picture]From: masterdivinity
2012-10-05 11:50 pm (UTC)
tray sledding is stupidly fun, we did that all the time in undergrad.

I like Ian and Natalie, normal kids.

This plot line seems a lot ridiculous

thanks for the snarking, love!
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