|LS #40 - Karen's Newspaper (Chapters 12-14)
||[Jun. 15th, 2008|10:27 pm]
Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest!
We're getting there! Geez, this book started out entertaining, but now it's starting to get boring! Just like all those boring-ass adult newspapers Karen hates! And, much like the Three Musketeers did in the book, I made this snark more interesting with pictures and a YouTube.
Chapter 12: Across and Down
Another weekend and wait...they're at the Little House? I thought Watson the Millionaire had the kids every weekend and 2 weeks in the summer, since those are the times when Seth and Lisa are, uh, really busy. Damn, I guess I should have read the Chapter 2 in this instead of assuming it was another "I'm a Two-Two, Andrew's a Two-Two, We're All Two-Two's!" Ok, here's what Karen has to say about the custody arrangement in this one: Now Andrew and I live with Daddy at the Big House every other weekend, and on certain vacations and holidays. The rest of the time we live with Mommy at the Little House. When did that happen? This is what I get for not having read LS books in ages!
Ok, so they're at the Little House, but wait, Karen ditches the stupid Little House and makes a run for the Big House...to work on the newspaper. Regardless, this once again proves my point that it always felt to me that whenever LS books were at the Little House, they were always en route to the amazing beacon of light known as the Big House.
Karen and Nancy, and Hannie write down the stories they collected and, uh oh, the paper's only 2 pages long! So they stick some pictures in - a trophy on the story about Maria, a puppy on the story about the Hsus, they don't know what to do about David Michael (but really. Does anyone know what to do with David Michael?). Still too short. Hey, my HS newspaper has gotten by with like 4-5 page issues before. But that was usually because kids would never turn in articles they wrote.
Then Karen gets a cunning plan...a plan so cunning you can brush your teeth with it! Crossword puzzle! Good save. But it won't be one of those icky-poo adult ones! No...Lisa stuck one of those in her Sex Therapy Newsletter she publishes weekly that circulates throughout the Southern CT area. You know the type, that has "groping" and "boobs" as answers (my friends totally did that when they played an adult version of Scrabble one evening, but I digress...). Karen and her friends decide on one for kids, dammit! Their theme is Summertime, so they make one up on graph paper and ask their man-slave Sam Thomas how to put it into the computer with their newspaper. After showing them how to add pictures and type in the story, and the arduous task of turning the computer on, Sam is like "Couldn't you guys do something easy? Like design a spaceship?" *shakes head* Sam, Sam, Sam...I don't know who's more cringe-inducing, Sam or Charlie. After that, the Three Musketeers call for their boy-slaves, Linny and David Michael, to deliver Issue #2 of the 3M Gazette.
Chapter 13: The Supermarket Papers
Once again, the next day, Nancy and Karen are escaping the confines of the Little House neighborhood and head for greener pastures in the Big House neighborhood. Is the Little House neighborhood that boring? Oh wait, they want feedback on their newspaper. Fair enough.
Guess what? The crossword puzzle didn't save them...Linny, David Michael, Timmy, and Melody thought the paper was boring...but they liked the crossword puzzle! Oh noes! They've become an adult newspaper! Karen exclaims, "Well, bullfrogs. We could not please anyone." Change that to "everyone" and you've got one of the rules of journalism. See? You're learning!
Well, how to salvage this? Melody tells them to make it more exciting, and Hannie, cementing her future as an editor at the Boston Herald or NY Post, suggests they use more exclamation points. I can just see their next cover: "ANDREW LOVES TO EAT PASTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Melody tells them to make their paper like the ones at the checkout counter at the supermarket since they're really interesting.
Gossip magazines? Look, Melody, I'm a sucker for celebrity gossip, but isn't that what got Karen and Crew in trouble initially?
Karen, taking after her stepsister,
calls for an emergency meeting of the BSC tells Hannie and Nancy they MUST get to the supermarket, this is an EMERGENCY! (see?) They jump in the Pink Clinker with Nannie, and head to the supermarket to investigate.
But Melody didn't mean tabloids, she meant stuff like this:
So they read up while Nannie shops - boy has x-ray vision, cat kidnapped by martians, real live
millionaire vampire, statue cries. In the illustration, Hannie once again looks like she has lipstick on. And the looks on their faces remind me of the girl in this commercial:
The girls buy 2 of the newspapers to use as research. Because if you're not going to write gossip about your neighbors...make shit up to fill pages! Yeah, just try that in the real world, Karen.
Chapter 14: Psychic Mom Saves Son from Bigfoot
Ok, so they aren't plagiarizing. But...if they were so insistent on making a paper for kids, with actual news from around the neighborhood, why are they venturing into Weekly World territory and writing made-up stories? I guess at seven, reading stuff like that is funny and allows for lots of creativity. Since we know Karen has a *~wild imagination~*!
I spoke too soon. All that stuff about them wanting to put out a made-up issue falls down the tubes after they read an article about a 28-pound baby being born. Hannie's response to that story puts even Claudia to shame: I wonder if these stories are true. I remember when my mom had Sari. Sari weighed six pounds. I do not think a brand-new baby could weight twenty-eight pounds. And Nancy adds that she doesn't think martians would come to Earth just to kidnap a cat.
Karen says, "The articles must be made up. They have to be."
And Hannie's response? "But newspaper stories are supposed to be true!" Ok first off: Was Mallory eavesdropping on this conversation and decided to apply this school of thought to the world of fiction? And second...Three Musketeers! Look at this cover:
Does anything on that cover strike you as true?!?!?!?! Geez, at seven I was able to distinguish between reality and...non-reality. Though you have to admit, with all these Elvis sightings, maybe he is out there somewhere. Abby would be thrilled. But we'll save that for BSC Mystery #77: Abby and the Ghostly Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich
So the Three Musketeers decide to write a made-up newspaper. The headline in the chapter title, Psychic Mom Saves Son from Bigfoot, was contributed by Nancy. Hannie writes one about a 59-pound goldfish that gets stuck in its tank, and Karen writes one about a man who magically controls time. Here's some rejected ones they had:
"Stacey McGill Arrives to BSC Meeting Late; Nothing Happens"
"Myriah Perkins Falls Down During Dance Recital"
"Mallory Pike is Pretty"
"Dawn Schaefer Caught Making a McDonald's Run, and It Isn't For a Salad!"
A problem arises Wednesday, as they're still putting the paper together. Their sources have real stories for them! The huge scoop? Linny and his friend are going to be in the same class next year. He says everyone will want to read that story! Yeah, Linny. The amount of people who care is the same amount of BSCers who find Mrs. Barrett to be ugly. Oh, and Maria won another trophy. And Timmy got a golden retriever puppy and he named it Ghost. Whatever, they do quick write-ups and stick them in the paper, hoping they don't overshadow the crazy shit they're running with. Linny and David Michael deliver the paper on Saturday, and they sit back and wait for the reactions.
Coming up...Karen borrows an idea from Kristy, and it doesn't involve wearing sandwich boards.