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Portrait Collection- Dawn's Book- Part 1 - Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Dissecting the unintentional hilarity of The Baby-sitters Club.

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Portrait Collection- Dawn's Book- Part 1 [Jan. 23rd, 2017|10:52 pm]
Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest!

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[danidee92]
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Hey, guys. Don't hate me for doing a book all about the life of the dreaded Dawn. She may suck, but she's awfully fun to snark. I also recently totaled my car and I am not in a good mood at all, and she seems to be the appropriate punching bag.

So for those unfamiliar: the portrait collection books are the autobiographies for each of the girls (except Mal and Jessi, because they are Ginger and Black), done for a school assignment. One thing that always annoys me about these books is that the girls are able to take exact quotes from events that happened in their lives when they were, like, six. I am not saying you can't remember particular events vividly, but they remember way too specific things that were said and done. I don't know. I know it's needed for the book, but I just can't imagine these girls actually writing their autobiographies that way.

Dawn wakes up in California (this is after she moved) and immediately launches into an info dump. I am bored already and it is the first page. Great.
She also tells us that the BSC is "the best friends a person could want" so we know she doesn't hold her standards high.
Jeff knocks on dawns Bedroom door and tells her that stupid orange you glad I didn't say banana joke. He's ten right? That joke should not still be funny. Then when dawn opens the door, he is wearing a Frankenstein mask and bitch actually gets nervous and believes he's really Frankenstein and the stupid is strong. You just heard Jeff at your door. Obviously it's him.
Ironically, even though Dawn is in California, she still has the exact same assignment her friends in Stoneybrook have which is to write her autobiography. Is this really that common that two schools on different sides of the country would both assign it? Obviously it's a plot device so that we can all be blessed with the story of this bitch's life since we saw all the other eighth grade characters' stories, but still. Then again, we don't see every club members' story since Mallory and Jessi don't have stories, but Ann Hates mal so I am not surprised that she didn't want to produce a story about her life. And if she did it would be full of misfortunes, like getting chicken pox twice, mono, probably yellow fever and a whole lot of whining about what her parents don't let her do.
Dawn goes over to her California best friend sunny's house.
We get descriptions
of Dawn's California friends- sunny,
Maggie, and Jill- but I don't mind because I don't remember them as well.
Dawn also describes herself, throwing in some humble brags that she is "physically fit" and laid-back, which everyone always tells us but she never shows.
They head for a we love kids club meeting and Dawn tells us the difference between that and the BSC: the BSC is a cult and a priority and ran by a drill sergeant who just may kill you if you're late or miss a meeting or have a life or make a new friend. The we love kids club is laid-back and more fun than professional. It is healthy and normal for thirteen-year-olds. I would allow my kid to be a part of it.
This part is a little sad because sunny's mom is very sick with cancer and I absolutely cannot snark it. Dawn is really sweet to her.
Then she starts working on her autobiography and the story of Dawn begins.

Chapter 2
I hate Dawn as much as the rest of you, but I have to say, I like her handwriting. It's actually legible unlike some peoples (looking at you, jessi) and normal for a thirteen-year-old. But the compliments end here because now I have to endure her life story and I am sure it will be just as enjoyable as Dawn herself.
Her first chapter is called "West Coast Beginnings." We get a picture of a birth announcement and are told Dawn, middle name Read, was late being born. Rather than enjoying all the time she has left without that bitch, Sharon takes a walk on the beach hoping to induce labor.

Dawn tells us she loved the ocean from the moment she popped out of Sharon. She even takes her first steps on the beach. Two of her first words were water and beach.
She then assumes we are judging her by telling us not to think she was a bizarre kid for being so obsessed with the beach. Dawn, that's... Not what people should judge you for.

When Dawn is three, Jeff is born and she's very jealous and is a little asshole to him. We then get a family pic of Dawn with her parents and baby Jeff. Dawn is all pouty.

The picture looks really messed up because Sharon looks no younger than 65, while Jack looks like the average young father. Like seriously, WHY DOES SHARON LOOK SO OLD. There's no way this woman just delivered a baby. She's post menopausal for sure. It looks like Jack is Sharon's son and Dawn and the baby are her grandkids.

I can understand Dawn feeling left out and ignored when she was younger, because I am sure many first time older siblings feel that way, but she still holds resentment against her parents and insists she was ignored NOW. Isn't she now old enough to realize that this wasn't the case, that she was just learning how to share her parents? She also says Jeff is the kind of kid that likes attention. Or, you know, he was a newborn baby that needed the attention.

Dawn starts nursery school and there's a kid in her class named Jackie who destroys her block tower, which I find really ironic. Ann must have met someone named in Jackie in her life and hated him, all I am saying.

Dawn acts like Jackie and his pal Harry are little shits for knocking down her tower, except that they do it AFTER Dawn's turn in the block corner is over and the teacher says they can have a turn. What are they supposed to do? How are they supposed to play with the blocks if most of them are unavailable so that Dawn's precious tower can stay up? Gonna have to come down eventually, Dawn. The blocks don't belong to you alone. They belong to the class.

Even in nursery school, Dawn is a little deviant and she and a friend glue the blocks in their tower together so that they can't be knocked down. I get she wants to keep her tower up, but other kids want to play with them too. These are not your personal blocks, Dawn. You get to have your building time, then other kids get a chance, which, you know, involves knocking your tower down so they can build something. Plus, the Jackie kid gets totally injured trying to kick the tower down. Seriously, Ann hates Jackies and Dawn is a psychopath. Then Dawn and her friend get punished and Dawn is all smug because their punishment is cleaning the blocks and she likes playing with water.

Dawn says having a brother made her learn that "the sun does not rise and set on me alone." That's actually a great message, but it would sound more genuine coming from someone other than Dawn, because despite "learning this lesson" she still acts like the world revolves around her. Also, the main reasons she gives for starting to like Jeff is because he worships her. Because everything is about Dawn.


That's all for now. Sorry that was short but it is hard to snark a baby, even if that baby grows up to be Dawn. I am sure more craziness will be in store as the life story continues.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: road_baby
2017-01-26 01:28 am (UTC)
So Dawn's been a horrible 'I'm the center of the Goddamn universe' brat her whole life?! Good to know.

Can't wait for the rest! I love a good Dawn sporking!
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