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Dissecting the unintentional hilarity of The Baby-sitters Club.

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Karen's Little Witch [Dec. 19th, 2013|02:19 pm]
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[lisaerin]
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Chapter 1

Karen is humming and looking at Miss. Colman’s earlobes. One is longer than the other. I’m so glad I know this information now. Surely this will offer great insight into Miss. Colman’s character. Karen is supposed to be doing a worksheet, but she finished it early. Is she aware that her humming may be distracting to others? Why am I asking this question when I am perfectly aware that Karen doesn’t give a shit about how others feel? Karen hopes her friends will finish their worksheets soon. She is aware that she probably won’t be able to talk to her friends while others are working, right? What am I saying? There’s no way in hell Miss Colman is going to tell Karen that others are working and she needs to be respectful.

Miss Colman has an announcement to make. How often does she make these surprising announcements and how often does Karen forget to use her indoor voice? I feel if I tried to make a drinking game out of that, I’d be in the hospital in ten minutes. Karen calls out. Miss Colman patiently reminds her to use her indoor voice. If that had been me, I’m not sure I’d have been able to refrain from saying, “Oh, for fuck’s sake. What is now, Karen?” The entire school is going to have a Halloween party. I’ve never heard of entire schools having Halloween parties. I’ve heard of individual classes having parties and schools allowing kids to dress up for Halloween, but I’ve never heard of a school wide party. The theme of the class party will be favorite book characters. This wouldn’t have been a problem for me as a child, but it does seem annoying that the school is telling the kids that they have to have a certain costume theme. As long as they aren’t wearing overly revealing clothes and offensive symbols, I think we’re good.

Karen wants to dress up as the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. She likes witch stories. Then why do you always hate on Mrs. Porter for being a witch if you like witches? Here we go with the bullshit about Mrs. Porter being a witch. Someone really should have nipped this witch bullshit in the bud. I wonder how long Karen will go on thinking that Mrs. Porter is a witch. Maybe she’ll never grow out of that and will start harassing Mrs. Porter even more when she gets older. If Karen finally realizes that Mrs. Porter isn’t a witch, I bet she won’t be embarrassed and ashamed about the way she treated her.

Here is the evidence that Mrs. Porter is a witch. She wears long black dresses. Witches can wear things other than long black dresses, Karen. Non witches can wear long black dresses. Mrs. Porter keeps a broom by her front porch. You have no proof that she uses that broom for flying. Maybe that’s just her cleaning broom. I’m pretty sure Oliver Wood would have a heart attack if he saw someone using a Firebolt to sweep the porch. Maybe Mrs. Porter just likes having her porch clean and it’s easier to keep the broom there. She planted a herb garden. I love how Karen emphasizes the fact that Mrs. Porter planted a herb garden as undeniable evidence that Mrs. Porter is a witch. Maybe she likes to cook and thinks fresh herbs are nice.

Karen is scared of witches, but she doesn’t mind living next door to one. If Karen is afraid of witches, why does she like to read witch stories and dress up exclusively as a witch? I could understand if she had a Dursley-like attitude to witches and magic, but she reads about witches and makes up games about witches. Why does she hate Mrs. Porter? If I was into witches and I thought one of my neighbors was a witch, I’d want her to teach me magic. Also, Karen has read The Wizard of Oz, right? She does know that there are good witches in that book, right? If she’s so into witch stories, hasn’t she ever read any stories about good witches? It would make a bit more sense if Karen thought Mrs. Porter was an evil witch. She’s old, she lives alone, and she wears black. That automatically makes you evil.

Chapter 2

I think examining my belly button is more exciting than this.

Chapter 3

Karen and Andrew go to the Big House. They eat dinner and Karen announces she’s going to be a witch again. She starts to sing witch songs to Andrew, even though she knows he doesn’t like it. Watson tells her to stop and Karen says she didn’t do anything. Watson excuses Karen before she can tell a Halloween story to Andrew. Andrew seems like the type to cry and get scared if you told him a Halloween story. Karen goes upstairs to engage in her favorite pastime – spying on Mrs. Porter. There’s a rule about no spying on the neighbors, but Karen’s like, “Screw the rules, I’m Karen Brewer!” Actually, Karen says she can’t help herself sometimes. I say that this whole Mrs. Porter is a witch bullshit should have been nipped in the bud right from the start and Karen should have been severely punished for accusing Mrs. Porter and her friends of being witches in the first book. Karen mentions the time she thought she saw a meeting of witches and warlocks.

Chapter 4

Karen wakes up the next morning and goes outside to help Watson garden. He’s talking to Mrs. Porter and asks Karen to come over. Karen is clearly afraid that Mrs. Porter is going to jinx her right then and there. Mrs. Porter’s family is moving to Stoneybrook. She has a granddaughter named Druscilla, which reminds me of Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though I only saw a few episodes. Druscilla is Karen’s age. She’s coming earlier than her parents are because they want her to start her new school right away. Thankfully, she isn’t going to Karen’s school. You dodged a bullet there, Druscilla. Karen would have turned everyone against you and Miss Colman wouldn’t have done shit. However, Druscilla is going to live with Mrs. Porter for a few weeks.

Of course, Karen freaks out because if Mrs. Porter is a witch, then her daughter must be a witch as well, and so must her granddaughter. Maybe Druscilla isn’t a very powerful witch. Maybe she’s a Sqiub. Maybe Mrs. Porter is a Sqiub. Maybe Druscilla’s parents don’t practice magic. Does Karen think that Druscilla is going to curse her the minute she lays eyes on her? I sure as hell would. Karen runs to tell Melody (she goes to Druscilla’s school) about the little witch. Great, so now Karen is running off to tell her friends to ostracize someone else based solely on her family. Why am I supposed to like her again?

Chapter 5

Melody calls Karen so they can figure out what tests they’re going to conduct to see if Druscilla is a witch. Actually, she just calls to say that Druscilla is here and she looks like a witch. I love that Karen says that sometimes Melody’s imagination runs away with her sometimes, and by that I mean I nearly choked on the irony. Here is the evidence for the court that Druscilla is a witch. She has dark eyes. Well, my entire family and some of our friends will be tried as witches, then. Wait, don’t some members of the BSC have dark eyes? How common are dark eyes? The second piece of evidence is Druscilla has black hair. Once again, I shall be tried as a witch along with my family. I thought Jessi and Claudia had black hair. I would laugh so hard if Karen was screaming that Jessi and Karen are witches because they have black hair. Druscilla’s hair is long and wild. Some people have hair that’s hard to manage. Druscilla is pale. All I’m getting is the thought that Druscilla is the daughter of Professor Snape and Bellatrix Lestrange. Then I started imagining Druscilla using the Cruciatus curse against Karen. So, that is the evidence and the court believes that Druscilla is undeniably a witch.

But wait! We have one more piece of evidence. The little witch ate a mushroom sandwich. She’s a witch! She must be a witch! She ate a mushroom sandwich. Now I know I’ll be tried as a witch because I love mushrooms and mushroom sandwiches. As a matter of fact, I’m having a craving for mushrooms right now. In all honesty though, the reasons for Druscilla being a witch are ridiculous. She can’t help having dark hair and eyes and being pale. And is eating a mushroom sandwich really a sign of witchery? I’ve never heard that before. I want to go over to Karen’s house and eat a mushroom sandwich while wearing all black and just wave at her and smile creepily. But I’m black, so does that mean I won’t be mistaken for a witch because I’m not pale?

Chapter 6

Melody has undeniable proof that Druscilla is a witch. She waved her hand and flowers came out of nowhere. She gave them to her teacher. What a rotten child, giving flowers to a teacher. If that’s not grounds to shun someone, I don’t know what is. Maybe Druscilla tried to murder her teacher using Devil’s Snare. I think it’s sweet that Druscilla gave flowers to her teacher. I think there are three explanations for the flowers appearing out of nowhere. Druscilla practices magic tricks and that was simply sleight of hand. It was Melody’s imagination. Melody’s a liar. Reading this book, I’m pretty sure Karen would have been the Alpha bitch that made up rumors about the outcast kids in high school. And even if Druscilla is a witch and that was magic, it’s not bad magic. Just because someone is a witch doesn’t mean they go turning everyone into toads.

Melody wants to spy on Druscilla, but Karen says she can’t because she isn’t allowed to spy on the neighbors. Melody says that Karen is at her house and she says it’s okay for Karen to spy. I say you’re seven years old and have no authority to tell Karen that she can break her father’s rule. I probably would have been spanked for this. In second grade, there was this trend that if you stepped on blue you liked Barney. It was cool to hate Barney in second grade. My carpet was mottled blue and purple, so I was doing this really idiotic dance so I didn’t step on any blue patches. My dad got mad when I told him a girl in my class told me I couldn’t step on blue or else I liked Barney, and he spanked me while asking if this girl was my mother.

Melody, Karen, and Hannie go to spy on Druscilla. She comes outside and sits down. The terror. She speaks to her cat. Karen thinks she looks lonely. I wonder why that is? It can’t have anything to do with starting a new school and her neighbors avoiding her because they think she’s a witch, can it? I feel sorry for Druscilla. I would have been her friend. I would have been thrilled to have a new witchy kid come to my school. I think witches are cool. Melody falls over and Druscilla looks up and sees them. They run away before she can cast a spell on them. Do they seriously think that witches spend all their free time casting spells? I’m pretty sure the Ministry of Magic would have something to say about witches casting spells left and right in a known Muggle area.

Chapter 7

Watson wants Karen to go play with Druscilla because she’s feeling lonely. Karen wonders what she’s supposed to do about that. Well, she and her friends can stop making up stories about Druscilla being a witch, for starters. Karen whines that her father is making her play with a witch. I feel no sympathy for you, Karen. I hope Tiffany Aching hits you upside the head with her frying pan.   Am I supposed to think Karen’s being a jerk here? I’d think she was being portrayed as being in the wrong in any other book, but Ann just can’t bear to have her precious pet being presented as in the wrong, so I’m not sure.

Karen reluctantly goes over to Mrs. Porter’s house. She sees Druscilla picking herbs and figures that she’s casting a spell because witches only use herbs for spells. Even if Druscilla is casting a spell, how do you know that it’s an evil spell? She could be using herbs in a potion to treat a cold. Just because someone is using magic doesn’t make them evil. Karen runs to get Melody and Hannie so she can use them for cannon fodder when she’s facing the little witch. They get witch protection first.

Chapter 8

Oh, now Karen is just fucking with me. She makes up a spell and calls it a good magic spell. So she knows there’s such a thing as good magic? Then why the hell doesn’t she ever give Mrs. Porter the benefit of the doubt and think she does good magic. It’s because she wears black and she’s old, right? They sneak into the garden and look around, but they don’t see Druscilla. Druscilla jumps out and yells, “BOO!” I like this girl. Druscilla asks why they won’t play with her. You’re better off without them, Druscilla. She asks why Melody doesn’t talk to her. She makes up the bullshit excuse that’s shy. I’m shy. I would have been too shy to approach Druscilla, but I wouldn’t have ostracized her because I thought she was a witch.

Karen sees that Druscilla does wear dark clothes. My mom wears dark clothes as well. Colors personally offend her. I’m going to think of Druscilla as dark is not evil, now. Karen asks if she’s a witch. Druscilla says yes. My headcanon states that Mrs. Porter told her to say that to fuck with Karen. Druscilla says that she can’t do that many things because she’s only a kid witch. I would have liked a series about Druscilla having adventures in Stoneybrook. She could find out that Stoneybrook has a bunch of dark secrets. Karen would totally be the bully in the series. I totally want to be friends with Druscilla now. I mostly gravitated towards people who were into supernatural stuff and books. Druscilla shows them the herb garden. Druscilla seems nice. Hasn’t Karen realized that it might be a good thing to be friends with a witch? The witch could turn someone into a toad if they tried to mess with you.

                   

Chapter 9

Miss Colman is recruiting the kids to ask for money for the hospital when they go trick or treating. Karen is thinking about her witch costume when she remembers that she’ll look like Mrs. Porter or the little witch. That simply won’t do. For some reason I was reminded of shows where people showed up wearing the same outfit as someone else. I’m pretty sure Karen would throw a tantrum if someone else dressed up the way she did and would attack them to make them take off their outfit. Karen decides to be Pippi instead.

Chapter 10

Karen is running around singing. It would be so awesome if someone would just cast Silencio on her. She and her friends talk more about Druscilla. She made a cloud rain right in the playground. Did you see her do it? Did she say something and then it just happened to start raining? Was she walking past and it started raining? She also made her teacher walk on his hands. I think Melody is a filthy liar. I wouldn’t put it past these brats to spread rumors about Druscilla being a witch. They wouldn’t be punished for that, either. Watson comes to tell her to invite Druscilla to go trick or treating with her and her friends. Karen refuses to spend time with the little witch. Watson reminds her to mind her manners (too late for that) and that being new isn’t easy. I’m pretty sure Karen doesn’t give a shit. Given how much Ann loves victim blaming, Karen probably thinks Druscilla brought it on herself. I really think someone needs to lay down the law with Karen and this whole witch thing. Pretty soon she’ll get arrested for assault because she thought someone was a witch.

Chapter 11

Karen doesn’t want to be near a witch on Halloween because it’s dangerous. But if you’re friends with the witch, they can protect you from other things that go bump in the night. Watson tells Karen to go ask Druscilla to go trick or treating. She makes Hannie and Melody come with her. Druscilla can’t go trick or treating because she’s having a party. She invites Karen and her friends.

Chapter 12

Watson says that Karen has to go to the party. So do Melody and Hannie. At least Karen will have some protection. Karen goes with Seth to get a pumpkin. I don’t care.

Chapter 13

It’s time to decorate for Halloween. Karen makes a witch. If she’s so into witches, why does she hate Mrs. Porter and Druscilla because she thinks that they are witches? They make a ghost and a graveyard. I love it when people go all out for Halloween decorations. My neighborhood doesn’t decorate much for the holidays. My aunt used to live in a neighborhood that had great Halloween decorations, but then she moved.

Chapter 14

Karen dresses up as Pippi. Nancy dresses up as Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. Miss Colman lets the kids goof off. I can cut her some slack, because it is a holiday and there is supposed to be a parade.

Chapter 15

It’s time for the parade. Hannie is dressed as the Cat in the Hat. Miss Colman is dressed as Mother Goose. Another class is dressed as cartoon characters. Karen says that would have been fun. I thought Karen said that she hated cartoons in the third book. Another class is dressed up as food. My brother dressed up as moldy bacon for Halloween one year, and as a chicken sandwich the next. Karen sees that Andrew is the only kid wearing a costume and gets embarrassed. She tells Andrew not to say that he’s her brother and to stand a certain distance away from her. I probably would have pulled something similar.

Chapter 16

Karen helps her family decorate the Big House for Halloween. She’s getting nervous because she’ll be in the witch’s house soon. Do you honestly think that Druscilla is going to cast a spell on you the second you walk in? Why doesn’t it ever occur to you that Druscilla and her grandmother might be perfectly nice people and they aren’t out to get you? Karen goes up to her room later and sees Druscilla playing with Midnight. She’s dangling a toy back and forth. Karen thinks that Druscilla is hypnotizing Midnight. I thought cat owners sometimes dangled thread or any other object in front of a cat to play with them. I didn’t know it was a form of hypnosis.

Chapter 17

Kristy and Mary Anne take Karen and her friends trick or treating.

Chapter 18

It’s time for Druscilla’s party. Kristy walks her over. Karen doesn’t want to go in there by herself, and Kristy is exasperated. I’m sure she’s fondly thinking about how cute it is that your neighbors are witches, Karen. She and the BSC half believe that Mrs. Porter is a witch. Mrs. Porter opens the door and Karen gets scared. But then she realizes that Mrs. Porter is dressed as a pumpkin. Druscilla is dressed in a pumpkin costume as well. Karen gets irritated because there’s nothing scary there. You were just wetting yourself at the thought of coming to this party. Why are you complaining? Druscilla shows them some activities they can do. Karen complains that it’s too much fun and wants to know where the witches brew and mushroom cakes are. Druscilla and her grandmother decided to serve food that Muggles would like, instead of the food Nearly Headless Nick had at his death day party. Is Karen upset because she wanted the party to be witchier or is she just afraid that this is a trap?

Karen warns her friends not to eat a cupcake. I just remembered how Crabbe and Goyle saw floating cupcakes in midair and grabbed them. They ignore her. I think they should have ignored her bullshit about Druscilla. Karen eats a cupcake. She feels fine and she thinks that she hasn’t had a spell cast on her. That’s what you think, Karen. The party ends before Karen knows it.

Chapter 19

Karen has a good time at the party. She invites Druscilla to come play with her. She decides that Druscilla and Mrs. Porter are probably just regular people and misses having witches next door to her. Then why are you such a brat about witches living next door to you all the time? I’m pretty sure Karen will go right back to thinking that Mrs. Porter is going to cast a spell on her pretty soon, despite the fact that she had fun at the party and realized that Mrs. Porter was pretty nice.

Chapter 20

Druscilla comes over to play the next day. Karen asks if she’s really a witch. She says no, but she thought Karen wanted her to be a witch, so she was pretending. Karen reads witch books, she dresses up in witch costumes, she plays witch games- why the hell is she so scared of Mrs. Porter and Druscilla? I’ve never gotten why Karen seems to be afraid of Mrs. Porter when she’s into witches herself. She could have just said that she thought Mrs. Porter was an evil witch. Druscilla tells Karen that Mrs. Porter might be a witch. If Druscilla’s grandmother is a witch, then she might be a witch herself. And the bullshit begins anew.

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Comments:
[User Picture]From: road_baby
2013-12-20 12:29 am (UTC)

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If Karen finally realizes that Mrs. Porter isn’t a witch, I bet she won’t be embarrassed and ashamed about the way she treated her.

Knowing Karen, she'd probably blame Mrs. Porter for letting her think she's a witch all those years.

Andrew seems like the type to cry and get scared if you told him a Halloween story.

I pity Andrew. He's like a little nervous wreck of a kid and having an older sister like Karen constantly feeding him scary stories has got to lead to extensive therapy.

Wait, don’t some members of the BSC have dark eyes?

Yup. Both Claudia and Jessi have been described as having dark eyes.

Did she say something and then it just happened to start raining?

That exact same thing pretty much happened to some Christian in Religulous. Only he thought it was a miracle from God. So maybe Druscilla is just good friends with Him.

If she’s so into witches, why does she hate Mrs. Porter and Druscilla because she thinks that they are witches?

I don't get it either. It's just really poor writing imo.

According to Karen's logic, I'm also a witch. Except for the wearing black part. And I have a black cat so there you go.
[User Picture]From: shatisarockgod
2013-12-20 01:44 am (UTC)

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Sometimes I can't help comparing BSC LS to the Little House on the Prairie tv show. Willie would always get in trouble and have to stand in the corner. When Laura did anything bratty would get ignored.

The BSC is heavy into older tv series. You'd think Karen would've caught a few reruns of Bewitched and how Samantha is a pretty witch and not necessarily the way a stereotypical witch looks.
[User Picture]From: with_rainfall
2013-12-21 06:22 am (UTC)

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Is it me, or is this just a reprise of LS#1?
[User Picture]From: ifandonlyif
2013-12-22 02:29 am (UTC)

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In second grade, there was this trend that if you stepped on blue you liked Barney. It was cool to hate Barney in second grade. My carpet was mottled blue and purple, so I was doing this really idiotic dance so I didn’t step on any blue patches. My dad got mad when I told him a girl in my class told me I couldn’t step on blue or else I liked Barney, and he spanked me while asking if this girl was my mother.

ok i'm sorry i am dying at this