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Dissecting the unintentional hilarity of The Baby-sitters Club.

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Karen's Witch [Dec. 17th, 2013|01:59 am]
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Chapter 1

Karen tells us that she thinks she’s very lucky. I agree- you’re damn lucky you get away with half the stuff you pull in this series. I’m pretty others would have been put over someone’s knee for less, but all you get is a chuckle and “Oh, Karen.” Very lucky indeed. Wait, Karen’s talking about how she’s lucky that she’s a two-two, not the fact that she’ll get away with everything. I love how Karen says that Sam and Charlie are old because they go to high school. That would be old to a six year old. I’m just amused because I’m a senior in college and I remember when high school seemed so far away and scary, and now it’s over. We have little kids coming to my college for some reason and I just look at them and laugh about how I was once in their shoes.

There are different rules for the two houses. In the Little House the rules are put your toys back in the toy box when you’re done, no running in the house, and no Saturday morning cartoons. Saturday morning cartoons were my life as a child. This rule sucks. It probably doesn’t matter to Karen, though, because she hates cartoons. I’m quite fine with the picking up your toys after you’re done rule. I was the type of child that had a kitchen center and my pots and pans had to be turned a certain way, foods had to be in certain pots and pans, etc. I was basically a shrinking violet version of Jenny Prezzioso. I thought not running indoors was a common rule.

At the Big house the rules are don’t leave the TV on if you’re not watching it, keep closet doors shut, and no spying on the neighbors. I’m just surprised Watson has rules. Maybe he just has rules so he can keep up the pretense that he doesn’t allow his children to do whatever they want. It’s not like he’s enforcing these rules. Karen forgets the no spying on neighbors rule a lot. I’m willing to bet that she ignores it and when she’s caught, she just says that she forgot and Watson doesn’t do anything.

Karen tells us that a witch lives next door to her at the Big House. She knows because she spies on her a lot. Karen justifies this because she has to know what Mrs. Porter is up to. I can see Karen screaming when Mrs. Porter is just innocently going about her day. Mrs. Porter’s real name is Morbidda Destiny. Karen thinks that sounds spooky. I think it sounds like a name those wannabe witches in the Discworld would have come up with or maybe a thirteen year old Suethor. Mrs. Porter wears long black robes. Okay, so she clearly hasn’t mastered the art of dressing inconspicuously while living among Muggles. Or maybe her robes are too comfortable to swap for something less noticeable. She smells funny. How does Karen know this? She has wild, wispy gray hair. She planted a herb garden. Maybe she likes to cook and enjoys planting her own herbs. None of these things mean that she’s a witch, but why bring logic into this? I don’t know why I do it.

Karen tells Kristy that Mrs. Porter put three spells on Boo Boo this year. Kristy reacts like a typical older sister and rolls her eyes. Of course, the BSC basically believes all the bullshit Karen spouts, so I’m sure Kristy is rolling her eyes on the outside but really taking what Karen is saying seriously on the inside. Karen thinks that even when you’re thirteen, you don’t know everything. I would agree with her, but Karen is saying this in regards to Kristy not believing that Mrs. Porter is a witch.

Chapter 2

Karen and Andrew are going to Watson’s. Karen says that it’s a good night for witching and then hopes she didn’t scare Andrew. She never means too. I just laugh because I know Karen is going to be scaring the neighborhood kids and the BSC with bogus stories about ghosts and witches all the time. Karen gets settled in. Kristy babysits. They’re playing Old Maid when Karen hears Boo Boo outside and runs to let him in. She opens the door and wishes she hadn’t, because Pennywise is at the door.

Chapter 3

It’s just Mrs. Porter’s black cat, Midnight. Even when reading my reaction upon seeing a cat is, “SQUEE!” Karen does not share my reaction and screams. She wonders why Midnight is on her doorstep. Maybe cats wander around sometimes? Maybe Midnight is really Mrs. Porter or a friend of Mrs. Porter in Animagus form and thought it’d be hilarious to screw with Karen? Karen thinks that Midnight being on her doorstep is a sign of things to come. Or maybe it’s just a cat on your doorstep. She’s going to be the type of person that throws rocks at black cats because she thinks they’re evil, isn’t she? Kristy comes running and has no idea why Karen is freaking out. I’m just laughing at the thought of Karen freaking out and Kristy just looking at her.

Kristy thinks that Midnight just wanted to play with Boo Boo, but Karen thinks that Midnight is here to put a spell on her or he’s Mrs. Porter in disguise. Midnight is blinking at Karen. Apparently that means he’s here to put a spell on her. Can you turn her into a ferret, Midnight? I don’t think even McGonagall would object. Kristy closes the door and they go back to their game. David Michael sound cross when they go back. David Michael thinks he’s better than Karen because he’s older than her. I don’t know where she got that from. I think David Michael was just annoyed they had to postpone the game while you freaked out over a cat. Karen dramatically tells them that Midnight was at the door and they freak out. I’m pretty sure that Kristy will write in the notebook that Karen has such an imagination.

Chapter 4

Karen wants to read stories. She wants witch stories, but Andrew doesn’t. Is Karen afraid of witches or not? Does she like witches or doesn’t she? She did say that having a witch next door was interesting, so maybe she’s sort of into witches. Does Karen want to read witch stories so she can learn more about Mrs. Porter and pick up tips for defeating her? Kristy reads The Tooth Witch. It’s about a good witch that becomes the tooth fairy. That just reminds me of Hogfather and how the villain was using children’s teeth to control them and make them stop believing in the Hogfather.

Karen wants another witch story, but David Michael and Andrew don’t. You got your witch story. I think it’s fair that the others get to pick a story as well. It doesn’t matter because it’s time for bed. But Kristy says she’ll read Karen another witch story when she’s in bed. David Michael, Karen, and Andrew have a top secret ritual for how they brush their teeth. I think they all spit at the same time. Kristy reads Karen The Littlest Witch and leaves. She tells Karen to stop thinking about witches, but she can’t.

Chapter 5

Did you know that Karen is afraid of the dark? If it were anyone else but Karen, the BSC would have staged an intervention. Karen can’t sleep, so she thinks about witches. I usually tried counting sheep before I realized that was bullshit. Thinking about things that scared me never helped me fall asleep. It made me afraid to close my eyes. Mrs. Porter has a broom, so that means she’s a witch. Karen has never seen her ride the broom, though. Mrs. Porter keeps that broom as a memento. She used to be into Quidditch, but got too old to play it. It’s also really hard to take your old broom out for a spin in an area full of Muggles. Karen thinks it’s weird because all witches ride brooms. Maybe some witches think that riding in a car is more comfortable. I would. Maybe Mrs. Porter likes doing things the Muggle way. And it would be really noticeable if she rode her broom around.

Karen thinks that witches only ride their brooms at night because it’s more dramatic. No, it’s because the police would see them during the daytime and arrest them. But the Ministry would come down and Obliviate the Muggles and the witches would get in trouble for exposing themselves. Karen decides to spy on Mrs. Porter until she gets on her broom. But suppose Mrs. Porter is just going to stay inside tonight? Karen thinks that she’ll call Kristy when Mrs. Porter rides out on her broom and Kristy will believe that Mrs. Porter is a witch. Unsurprisingly, she falls asleep.

Chapter 6

Mrs. Porter flies out on her broom with Midnight. Karen screams and Kristy comes running. Karen tells her to look out the window, but Kristy doesn’t see anything and neither does Karen. Kristy thinks that Karen was dreaming because she went to bed a while ago. Karen doesn’t remember this. When my brother and I used to share a room, we used to tell stories together. He left to go to the bathroom and I closed my eyes. When he got back, we continued making up the story. The next morning I found out that I had fallen asleep when he had gone to the bathroom. Kristy lets Karen sleep with her tonight. When I read the second Harry Potter book I got so scared that I had to sleep with my little brother. I was afraid to go into the bathroom because I was scared a basilisk would get me. Then I wanted a basilisk as a pet. Chamber of Secrets was where I first learned the word petrified. I thought it was just a word for what happened to the students who didn’t look at the basilisk directly. I didn’t know it was a real word and not a made up magic word.

Chapter 7

It’s hard for Karen to be scared when it’s bright outside. Yeah, all my fears at night seem stupid in the light of day. Karen goes to look around Mrs. Porter, but she’s not spying. You’re making sure your father doesn’t see you. I’m pretty sure you know you’re doing something you aren’t supposed to. Kristy comes in while Karen is spying on Mrs. Porter from her bedroom. Mrs. Porter isn’t at home. You know what that means? It means that she’s at a witch meeting. Or maybe she went to go hang out with her friends or go grocery shopping or anywhere that was away from Karen. Witches don’t have to be shut ins. They can have a social life. Kristy thinks Karen is full of shit. It’s nice to see that Kristy isn’t buying this witch nonsense.

Chapter 8

Hannie comes over. Karen wants to pretend to be witches, and Hannie agrees because she’s a good minion that always does what Karen tells her to do. Okay, is Karen into witches or something? She wants to pretend to be witches and she reads witch stories. Why is she so scared of Mrs. Porter? If I was into witches and I thought that my neighbor was a witch, I’d be begging them to teach me magic. Or I would if I wasn’t so shy. They go to get Boo Boo so he can ride on the broom, but Boo Boo is sleeping. Boo Boo is a cat. Cats aren’t the type to get suckered into stupid little kid games. Boo Boo opens one eye and then closes it again. Good Boo Boo. Karen thinks that he’s sleepy. No, he just doesn’t want to play your dumb games. He’s a cat. Bow before him.

Karen and Hannie make up witch rhymes as they edge closer to Mrs. Porter’s house. There’s rustling in the garden and someone cackles. Someone else is in the garden, and Karen thinks she knows who it is. Whoever it is, they aren’t coming to finish you off or ship you off to a harsh boarding school where you can learn some manners, so I don’t care.

Chapter 9

Mrs. Porter is harvesting her herbs and talking to Midnight. She tells him that there’s an important meeting at twelve and company will be coming. Karen knows what this means.

Chapter 10

Karen and Hannie run back to the house. Karen thinks that Mrs. Porter is going to have a witch’s meeting. How do you know that? Maybe she has Muggle friends. Witches and Wizards can hang out with Muggles, you know. Watson and Elizabeth come in and ask what they were doing. Hannie nearly says that they were spying. She would make a terrible Secret Keeper. Watson was gardening and is thinking about planting a herb garden. He wants to ask Mrs. Porter, but Karen shrieks no so loudly that Elizabeth drops her glass. Karen admits that she can be a pain in the neck sometimes. I love this line.

Elizabeth is cross and asks if it was necessary for Karen to yell. She doesn’t believe in indoor voices, Elizabeth. It’s like she has a permanent Sonorous charm on her. Elizabeth scolds Karen and tells her that Mrs. Porter is nice and her grandmother is good friends with her. Karen doesn’t want to think about her grandmother being friends with a witch. I’m surprised Karen doesn’t think that Mrs. Porter put a spell on her grandmother and that’s why her grandmother is friends with a witch.

Chapter 11

It’s time for Karen to go to bed. Kristy is tucking her in. Karen wants to hear The Littlest Witch. Kristy wants to know why because that story always scared her. That’s an excellent question, Kristy. Karen tells Kristy about the witches’s meeting, and Kristy pulls down Karen’s shades and tells her to quit spying. She also tells Karen she’ll drive herself crazy imagining these things. Why couldn’t we have had this Kristy in the BSC? Kristy offers to let Karen sleep with her again, but Karen declines. She has a plan. Oh joy.

Chapter 12

Karen’s plan is to spy on the witches. When they’re doing something witchy, she’ll run to warn the neighborhood. First of all, if they are witches, it’s an entire group against one. I’m pretty sure they can take down a six year old kid. Second, maybe the witches might not be doing anything evil. Maybe they were making potions to help with colds and other illnesses. Or maybe they aren’t witches and therefore no one will be pleased about you waking them up in the middle of the night screaming about how there are witches. Also, suppose the meeting takes place away from where you can see it from your window? Karen imagines everyone treating her like a hero when she warns them about the witches. I throw up in my mouth at the thought of Karen wearing a crown and the self-important expression she would have.

Unfortunately, Karen doesn’t get up until eight-thirty. You lazy little brat. You’re supposed to be up at six in the morning. I would panic for a moment and wonder which cartoons I’d missed. Karen thinks that Mrs. Porter put her to sleep. Maybe she even put the whole neighborhood to sleep because that’s the only way witches could hold a meeting. Maybe the witches just sat down over coffee and discussed some things before leaving. Witches don’t always dance around naked when they have a meeting. They could have held the meeting quietly and no one would have been none the wiser. Karen wonders how she’s going to find out what the witches talked about and decides to spy. You aren’t forgetting the spying rule, Karen. You’re flat out ignoring it.

Chapter 13

Karen wants to use herbs to do spells. I guess it’s okay when she uses magic. She’d probably handwave it and say she’s doing magic to protect her family, but we all know Karen would use magic for personal gain and to hurt others. Karen goes to spy on Mrs. Porter, but nothing of interest happens. Watson nearly catches her spying, but Karen makes up a bullshit lie and runs off.

Chapter 14

Karen goes back to spying. Kristy catches her. When Karen tells her that she nearly scared her to death, Kristy says that it serves her right because she knows she’s not supposed to spy. Why couldn’t we have this Kristy in the BSC? Unfortunately, Kristy doesn’t scold Karen anymore because Mary Anne and Richard arrive to take Kristy downtown. Kristy runs off. I’d run off too if I had to spend the weekend listening to my little sister’s dumb witch stories. Karen goes back to spying again.

Mrs. Porter comes out. She’s wearing an old-fashioned dress and carrying a broom. The horror. Then she starts sweeping. Oh, the horror. This is just as horrifying as being tied to a gravestone and watching Voldemort’s resurrection. Karen wonders why Mrs. Porter is doing that. Just because she’s a witch doesn’t mean she’s a slob. Besides, she has company coming over. Maybe she wanted her house to look nice. Then she gets flowers. People arrive carrying cookies and casseroles. The Death Eaters have decided to use cookies and casseroles as weapons. Everybody run! Then Karen realizes that the witches’ meeting is starting right now. She runs off to get Hannie.

Chapter 15

I love how Hannie is like, “Can’t someone else do it?” when Karen says they have to confront the witches in order to save their neighborhood. If my best friend wanted me to confront a bunch of witches, I’d be like, “Oh, hell no!” Hannie reasons that Mrs. Porter might put a spell on them if they go to her house, so Karen goes to find herbs so she can do a spell. Does she think Mrs. Porter is an evil witch? Is that why she’s scared of her? Why is Karen so fine with using magic if she’s afraid of witches? Hannie is still hesitant. Karen creeps me out by asking Hannie if she always does everything she says. If she’s like that at six, imagine what she’ll be like as an adult. She’ll be the leader of a cult for sure. Hannie reminds Karen about her other bullshit plans, but Karen just steamrolls over her. I think Karen just wants Hannie along so she can hide behind her in case the witches try a spell. I doubt Karen would be happy about sharing the limelight when they save the neighborhood. Hannie wants to tell her parents, but Karen won’t let her. This reminds me of the time Kristy wouldn’t let the BSC tell anyone else about their plan to confront someone at midnight in a graveyard. It just seems creepy sometimes when someone doesn’t let someone else tell others about what they’ll be doing when there’s a good chance it will be dangerous.

Chapter 16

Hannie wants to know what they need for a protection spell. Karen says it doesn’t matter. Actually, in all the books I’ve read, it does matter. Mispronouncing a word or writing a sign down wrong could mean a demon can escape from the restraining circle and kill you. I would pay to see Karen tell this to Snape. I’m pretty sure putting the right ingredient in a potion is key. They make up spells such as “Eye of bat and tail of...something,

               Protect us from the witch’s powers.’”, but they don’t have bat tails or eyes of something, so the spell is null and void. You could use things to symbolize eye of bat and tail of something.

“Witches, witches, go away.

               Come again some other day.” This gets rejected because they don’t want the witches to come back. They settle on, ‘Here are the witches.

               We’ll give them a whack,

               So they can’t hurt us.

               And they’ll never come back.’”

Karen makes Hannie learn the spell before they go to confront the witches. They’re going to march into the house and tell the witches they know what they’re up to, so they better leave their neighborhood alone. I’m so sure witches will be intimidated by a bunch of six year olds. Karen and Hannie should just march up to a Death Eater meeting and tell Voldemort to stop his evil plans. I’m sure he would stop immediately. Why the hell would witches stop because a little kid tells them too? The kid has no authority. No one is going to believe the kid. Hannie doesn’t like this at all. Maybe one day she’ll publish a book about all the dumb adventures Karen dragged her on.

Chapter 17

Karen and Hannie go to Mrs. Porter’s house. Hannie is scared because they’ll be in trouble. Yes, they will. If there really are witches, I’m sure they’re more than a match for two six year olds. If they aren’t witches, it’s rude to go to someone else’s house and say that they’re a witch. Hannie wants to leave, but Karen won’t let her. Who is she supposed to hide behind when the witches get mad? They ring the doorbell and Mrs. Porter answers. Karen tells her they’d like to come in with a haughty voice. I think that warrants a lecture about how to speak to your elders. Mrs. Porter seems surprised and nervous. Karen thinks that it’s because they have something to hide. Or maybe she’s just shocked at the nerve of this bratty kid coming over and demanding to come in. I’d be pretty shocked if cops came to accuse me of something because I didn’t do it. And even if Mrs. Porter is hiding something, what if it’s not about witches? Maybe she and her friend are into BDSM and they were showing off equipment.

Hannie wants to go home because it’s lunchtime and their parents are probably wondering where they are. It’s too late to back out now. Karen wants to be hailed as a hero, damn it! She speaks again in a haughty voice and says she wants to go to the meeting. Mrs. Porter is polite and agrees instead of telling her to get lost.

Chapter 17

They go to the meeting and find out that the witches seem nice. Hannie starts to relax, but Karen points out that witches are always nice to other witches. There’s a bunch of talking going on, so Karen keeps clearing her throat. I bet some of the people there freaked out because they thought Umbridge was there. Maybe you should try a wooden spoon and a pot, Karen. Everyone quiets down. Karen tells them that she and Hannie know that they are witches and warlocks. Everyone is mad or amused, and Hannie and Karen are scared to death. It would be awesome if someone muttered about kids having manners back in their day. They go to do the spell, but someone yells Karen’s name. It’s her maternal grandmother, Grandmother Packett. Karen nearly faints when she finds out that her grandmother is a witch. Didn’t you say that witches were nice to other witches before? You knew your grandmother was friends with her. So by your logic, your grandmother is a witch.

Mrs. Packett says that they aren’t witches. This is a meeting of the Stoneybrook Gardner’s Club. She gives Hannie and Karen tissues then makes them apologize. Karen gets the feeling that they’ll be in big trouble.

Chapter 18

Karen hates apologizing. I’m sure she hates admitting that she was wrong and may have hurt someone’s feelings. She should apologize in this case. It’s very rude to barge into your neighbor’s house and demand to go to the meeting that you weren’t invited to and then accuse everyone of being witches. Grandma P tells Hannie to go home. I imagine that her parents find out about what happened and forbid her from playing with Karen because she’s a bad influence. Grandma P takes Karen home. I like to imagine she’s dragging Karen by the ear. Grandma P tells Watson and Elizabeth what happened. She leaves to go back to the meeting, grumbling about how she hopes her friends don’t laugh at her too much. I imagine it turns into a discussion about how children have no respect these days.

Karen tells the story. Watson and Elizabeth actually tell her that she was wrong and may have hurt Mrs. Porter’s feelings. Unfortunately, Karen isn’t really going to be punished because she thought she was doing something good. You can still have good intentions and fuck everything up. Karen barged into someone’s house and called them and their friends witches. Why the hell isn’t she in trouble for this? Are Watson and Elizabeth just going to keep finding excuse after excuse not to punish Karen? Remember when she scrapped the paint off Watson’s car and he said it would give him an excuse to paint it purple? Or when she said it was her birthday when it wasn’t so everyone would make a fuss, but Watson didn’t call her out because she’d be exposed as a liar? I hate bratty kids, but I hate people like Watson who enable them even more. Maybe they wouldn’t do this shit if they didn’t keep getting away with it. I’m pretty sure some people would have been over their parent’s knee the second they got in the door, grounded for months, and forced to write apology letters to everyone at the meeting. But no, Karen is going to get away with it because she thought she was doing something good. I think I’ll say that and see how well it goes over with the cops.

I think Grandma P would be good for Karen. I like to think that she found out about what happened, tore Watson a new one for letting Karen get away with all this shit, and told him that he obviously was doing a crap job of raising Karen. Then she’d make Karen spend some time with her and things would be different. Rules would be strictly enforced. There’d be no getting out of punishments because of obnoxious singing. There would be no spying on the neighbors and if Karen pulled a stunt like she pulled today, there’d be none of this, “We can’t punish you because we thought you were doing something good,” bullshit. I just remembered Aunt Marge saying that she didn’t believe in not hitting people who deserved it and a good thrashing was what was needed most of the time. I know she was supposed to be a bad guy, but I can’t help thinking that some people think that Karen needs a good spanking.

Chapter 20

Karen writes an apology to Mrs. Porter. She’s getting off really lightly here, if all she has to do is write an apology. Watson makes Karen promise not to spy, but we all know Karen will break the promise and Watson won’t do anything. Karen flat out admits that she’ll spy only when she needs too. So she’ll be spying the second she goes back to Watson’s house. Charlie and Sam tease Karen about Mrs. Porter. It’s nice to see Karen get teased for her bullshit stories instead of having them be taken seriously. Karen thinks that Mrs. Porter may have held a gardening meeting, but she’s still a witch and she’s the only one that knows it. So Karen has learned nothing and will continue to do so because her parents will always enable her and so will the BSC.

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Comments:
[User Picture]From: undeadnicole
2013-12-17 07:37 pm (UTC)

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I love you SO HARD for all the HP references. :D Great snark. Do some more Karen book snarks, please? WE NEED MOAR!

MOAR
[User Picture]From: road_baby
2013-12-18 01:45 am (UTC)

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no Saturday morning cartoons. Saturday morning cartoons were my life as a child. This rule sucks.

Damn straight! I was all about Staurday morning cartoons! I would get up early and share a box of Apple Jacks with my kitty. And until they cancelled Young Justice I was still getting up early to watch them!

I think it sounds like a name those wannabe witches in the Discworld would have come up with

Lol! It totally does! Now I'm gonna think that whenever she's mentioned by that name.

She tells Karen to stop thinking about witches, but she can’t.

If you want her to stop thinking about witches then don't read her a bunch of witch stories! Hell!
[User Picture]From: shatisarockgod
2013-12-18 05:57 am (UTC)

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If you want her to stop thinking about witches then don't read her a bunch of witch stories! Hell!--ikr. That's what I was going to come in here and say. Stop telling her or reading her witch stories since it's clearly not helping matters any. Karen would probably still obsess over witches whether they were being read or not. It's just kinda fueling the fire, ya know?