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Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest! - Ann Hates Mal (and Boys... and Gym probably) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Dissecting the unintentional hilarity of The Baby-sitters Club.

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Ann Hates Mal (and Boys... and Gym probably) [Mar. 6th, 2008|11:41 pm]
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[liss31d]
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I have written this on the Babysitters Club proboards site and have decided to post it on here as well, updating it a little!

It appears that Ann M. Martin has a strong dislike for Mal considering the situations that she and the ghost writers create for her and the charming descriptions of her, e.g. "Mal's parents won't even let her get a nose job!" "There's so much goodness inside Mal that once you get to know her she starts to look pretty"... hmm two very lovely things to say about your best friend Jessi... Crooked teeth, ginormous glasses, frizzy hair, described as "stocky" at one point, unable to wear the clothes she wants... she truely is blessed with everything a preteen wants.

I am positive there is something in the majority of the books that makes it evident that Mallory Pike is the ultimate BSC punching bag so I will mention a few -

Dawn and the Impossible Three - Dawn yells at 10 year old Mal for "stealing" Marnie's brownie, when all she was trying to do was protect the poor allergic-to-chocolate soul... ooh also she makes the 'bizzer sign' at Byron.

Hello Mallory - Given a stupid test to get into the Cult. The Cult acts uber superior (even though they mixed up soy formula with soy sauce and in Claudia's case the digestive system with the divestive system), being clumsy at the BSC test job, the failure of her own babysitting cult, Kids Inc... but worst of all... making her wear tights with little red hearts on them!

Little Miss Stoneybrook and Dawn - What an omnious title... Dawn gets mad that Mal is getting an induction ceremony and then yells at her for asking a question about the cult's policy.

Mary Anne's Bad Luck Mystery - Everyone mentally laughs at Mal for being a ninny who thinks she must hold her breath in the graveyard or she will be POSSESSED!!!!!

Mallory and the Trouble With Twins - The twins behave like biotches to her after her comment on them being cute and then the BSC blame Mal completely for causing the twins to hate babysitters. Also, excessive whining about ear piercing, future braces and how "babyish" her haircut is... also she wanted those funky pink and green shoes and ended up with loafers because her family is a breeding machine that needs to economise when shoe shopping.

Jessi and the Superbrat - Mal acts like a goon in front of child star that desires to be a "normal kid," Derek Masters.

Welcome Back Stacey - All the BSC mentally saying to each other how immature Mal is through eye contact when Mal is whinging about her parents' complaints about her 'daring' sparkly sequined top.

Dawn's Wicked Stepsister - Mal gets the chicken pox for the second time... and is left with scars in "unmentionable places."

Mary Anne and Two Many Boys - Mallory never finds out that ice cream parlour hottie likes her.

Poor Mallory - Of course it would be Mal's Dad who'd lose his job, so she has to work for the snob family with the 400 dollar cat and give her wages to her family so she can't buy sparklies and worries about studying hard to get a scholarship for college (yeah Mal because your Dad will be unemployed for 7 years...). Then to top it off she gets bullied by 6th grade sluts called Nan and Janet (11 year olds called Nan and Janet??) and her ex friends, Valerie and Rachel... creeps me out how Stoneybrook kids would all know that Mr Pike lost his job and would be bothered enough to bully his kid about it.

Kristy and the Baby Parade - Mal gets yelled at about her pink costumes for the babies clashing against the orange float then is ferociously snarked at by Dawn (God it always seems to be Dawn that has it in for her). She then goes blank as Ann made her dim enough to forget about the Cult's costumes.

Mallory on Strike - Agh this is one of the worst for poor Mal! The Pike family won't bloody leave her alone, her parents are exploiting her as a surrogate mother to their children and then Kristy throws a massive hoo-hah over her being 10 mins late to a meeting. Also her sisters create an evil play called "Mean Old Mallory"... how lovely girls, after all the bloody picnics she's done for you, the games she's played... also Mal tries to resign from the Cult but they won't let her.

Stacey's Ex Best Friend - Mal and Ben have a fight and fall out, ending with Mal saying, "I hope you have fun at the dance because I'm not going with you!" Woah... taking that out of context that actually seems like her using herself as a punchbag, implying that Ben will have fun without her! Still, it reminds me what a weird couple they were that they had a huge fight over a library card catalogue...

Mallory and the Dream Horse - Ultimate punching bag in this one! Finds out that her fantasy of riding horses ain't too grand when she falls off a horse and develops a phobia, she can't afford the uniform so the kids make snobby comments, the kids think she's weird because she acted overly eager and dorky, she wore a "sunday school outfit" to a hip party where no one talked to her, Jessi goes all cold Jessi style on her and then she came 6th place out of 12... how come Jessi can win a Synchronised Swimming Contest in the next book whilst Mallory comes 6th in a Horse Riding Competition?

Jessi's Gold Medal - God forbid, Mal's worst nightmare... she has to swim in PE with the boys and she picked the "ugliest babiest swimming costume" to wear that day. Tries to pretend to be injured so she doesn't have to be in the SMS Sports Festival and can't even do that right, she actually sprains her ankle in the process...

Keep Out Claudia - She is the first girl to get shunned by the Lowells as having a big family means that she's GASP Catholic... grr I hate the Lowells.

Mallory Hates Boys (and Gym) - Her brothers act like complete dicks to her, along with Jamie Newton and later the Hobart kids, she has to play Volleyball with the (SHOCK HORROR) boys and keeps getting thrashed about and insulted by her teammates and dictator teacher. Also she acts like a crazed ninny with her "Stoneybrook boys suck" theory and her spectacularly crap detention idea.

Jessi and the Bad Babysitter - Mal is ill and feels overly tired... and Dictator Kristy yells at her from being overly tired all the time... evil.

Get Well Soon Mallory - She gets Mono... of course it would be Mal that would get Mono. Ann doesn't like Mal... also again Mal tries to get kicked out of the Cult and fails.

Mary Anne and Miss Priss - The Pikes are forcing Mal, their ill child to do free child labour for them... again.

Mallory Pike, No. 1 Fan - Ann really went out of her way to make Mal look like an idiot in this one by stalking Henrietta Hayes out and then later yelling at her for not being a true writer because her books aren't based on her life and being full of "LIES!" Then she wrote an insulting play about her family and wouldn't change it until forced to rewrite.

Don't Give Up Mallory - Is made fun of for being a 'brain' as she got straight As, her Children's Literature class is going to be GULP discussion based (poor Mal, you're going to struggle at uni), her teacher Mr Cobb is sexist, he calls her Valerie by mistake (poor Mal, you might as well change your name to Valerie, that's the second time someone's called you that), her straight A record is tarnished by a B+.

Kristy in Charge - Is assigned to teach an 8th grade class... what idiot at SMS was responsible for that? Gets nervous, chalk flies over the room and she is christianed 'Spaz Girl' for the rest of her sad depressing SMS life.

Mary Anne in the Middle - Tortured by the bullying, Mal applies to Riverbend College, an awesome boarding school and gets accepted but her happiness is destroyed by her siblings' and cold cold Jessi's reactions... the book revolves around Jessi and Mallory bitching about each other to MA.

The All New Mallory Pike - Ann gets rid of Mal and finally removes her from the Cult... and gives her a psycho roommate at Riverbend...

Then are the Super Specials which indicate pure Mallory hatred. In California Girls, Mal goes insane and spends all her lottery money on make up and dying her hair blonde to look like a real "California girl" and then is crushed by the director's comments that she can't be an extra as she has the "wrong looks." In Starring the BSC, Mary Anne has a fit at her for interfering with her backstage babysitter job and as the Apprentice Costume Designer, she has to measure her greatest fear (AAAAGHHHH) boys! In Shadow Lake, she wears some insect protection gear and every laughs at her. In New York New York, Claudia acts like a cow to her because the art teacher compliments her more (thus catty comments and sticking out her tongue at Mal in an oh so mature and sophsiticated manner). She then finds out that the teacher thought that Claudia was the true artist with lots of promise while Mal was a tad... well crap... nice... ah well at least she goes back to her world of cartoon mice. In Sea City Here We Come, she is perved on by 15 year old Toby and consequently Stacey hates her. She is made to look like a dork in Summer Vacation as she gets excited about being a Junior Camp Counsellor in Training because of her and Jessi's matching arm bands... consequently she and Jessi are made fun of and are maliciously called the "twins" and "oreos" in the process.

The cream of the crop is that when I was flicking through a names book and noticed that Mallory is from the French meaning 'Unfortunate.' Long post, feel very tired, but the evidence clearly shows that Mallory Pike really is a 'Poor Unfortunate Soul.'
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: jadore_histoire
2008-03-06 08:56 pm (UTC)

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Wow...when you spell it all out like that, Mallory really couldn't catch a damn break!
[User Picture]From: cassandraclue
2008-03-06 09:59 pm (UTC)

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ann had talked about wanting to send mal to boarding school for a long time, so you may have point there.
[User Picture]From: ilovejunk
2008-03-06 10:31 pm (UTC)

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she has to measure her greatest fear (AAAAGHHHH) boys!

Measuring boys... I so took that the wrong way *dies*

You're right, though, Mal really does get shat on all the time. I almost wonder if she was intended as the token geek, for miserable outcast girls (and let's face it, a lot of kids who spent their free time reading a book series were going to fall into that category) to relate to. I know I definitely related to her, especially since I got teased all the time and even managed to get mono when I was in middle school. Ick.
[User Picture]From: corduroyspocket
2008-03-06 11:02 pm (UTC)

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glad you posted this. I've been thinking about Mallory lately in regards to what niche she would fill in the club...and your list made me realize that Mallory was basically there to make the other girls feel superior. I've also wondered (and posted before) if Mallory isn't who AMM was as a tween. I know the official version is that Mary Anne was based on Ann; however, maybe Ann was Mallory at 11 but then became more Mary Anne-ish as a teenager. at any rate, my theory is that if Mallory was Ann at 11, she must have had really bad memories of that time. therefore we get Mallory.
[User Picture]From: cassandraclue
2008-03-06 11:23 pm (UTC)

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i've often thought this myself.
[User Picture]From: otempora541
2008-03-06 11:02 pm (UTC)

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In the earlier books I got the hint that Mallory was going to be 'the akward one'. Too bad this isn't a Hollywood movie and there's no makeover scene
[User Picture]From: ilovejunk
2008-03-06 11:21 pm (UTC)

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Stacey should totally teach her to apply lipgloss with her boobs. Well, if she had them.
From: lizwinlove
2008-03-06 11:34 pm (UTC)

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Those would be some really large, awkwardly shaped boobs if you could manage to apply lipgloss with them!
[User Picture]From: ilovejunk
2008-03-06 11:49 pm (UTC)

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Haha, it's from the Breakfast Club, Molly Ringwald's character had that as her secret talent or some shit. I actually don't remember her boobs being all that big, though.
[User Picture]From: lizwinlove
2008-03-06 11:56 pm (UTC)

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Ohh...I remember that scene...yeah she has this long applicator thing that she stuck between them. But when you said it I had this mental image of someone with a really long boob with lip gloss on it putting it on their lips. Which is all kinds of gross, but that's just the image I got.
[User Picture]From: ilovejunk
2008-03-07 12:13 am (UTC)

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LMAO! Oh god, that's awful XD
[User Picture]From: lizwinlove
2008-03-07 12:16 am (UTC)

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It really is, isn't it? I don't know what I was thinking!
[User Picture]From: irishgypsie
2008-03-07 06:01 am (UTC)

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I got that image too, even though I knew the reference. We just have vivid imaginations is all!
[User Picture]From: miss_myu
2008-03-07 12:09 am (UTC)

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In Mary Anne and Too Many Boys Mallory also bleats some random bollocks in her sleep ("I don't want sunscreen, I want sunblock!").
[User Picture]From: lizwinlove
2008-03-07 12:17 am (UTC)

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Well there's got to be a difference, right? I mean there's a difference in screening calls and blocking them. I'd rather the sun not get to my skin at all! XD
[User Picture]From: kissmaiden
2008-03-07 02:21 am (UTC)

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And in Babysitters in the USA Jessi accuses her of being racist cause she's shy around Jessi's family. Way to know your best friend Jessi.
[User Picture]From: liss31d
2008-03-08 04:36 pm (UTC)

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Out of all the hating Mal books, which one do you relate to the most? I really related to her feelings when she played volleyball in PE. PE used to be a nightmare for me at times, I was so bad at it and other kids would moan if I was on their team and wasn't playing well :( Never to the extremes of what Mal went through luckily...
[User Picture]From: ilovejunk
2008-03-08 07:57 pm (UTC)

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Sadly I related to quite a few Mallory books. My family was, erm, not well-off financially, I sucked at sports, and I even managed to come down with mono. (And it's a good thing I'd read that book, because then I wasn't surprised when my illness lasted three months...) I never read the books where she started being called "spaz girl" but that totally happened to me in middle school too.

Oh shit, my best friend is ZOMG BLACK too. And I have a close male friend in Australia. Maybe I AM Mallory Pike! D:
[User Picture]From: ajardoor
2008-10-26 08:30 pm (UTC)

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We are ALL Mallory Pike!
From: hungryandfrozen
2008-03-09 02:23 am (UTC)

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Hey, at least Mallory had a boyfriend. I never managed that!! Indeed, when you put all the horrible things that happen to Mal together like that it does seem like AMM had a vendetta against her. She sort of transended the "token awkward character" and turned into full on disaster by the end. Maybe ANM was kicked by a redhead as a child and subsequently hated them - doesn't Jackie Rodowsky have red hair too?
From: (Anonymous)
2008-05-25 07:03 am (UTC)

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I know that this post is very old, but I just read it and had to add that in the Super Special where they go to Hawaii, Mallory is the only one who doesn't get to go. (Kristy went a month later with her family)
From: (Anonymous)
2008-12-30 04:21 pm (UTC)

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