I (finally!) just got my 4 new Karen books in the mail today, and I immediately went to work on the one I was looking forward to the most: Karen's Baby. In this book, Karen gets extremely creepily involved with Nancy's new baby brother, much to Nancy's annoyance and chagrin (Nancy doesn't like the baby that much), because Karen is jealous and wants a baby of her own because Nancy has one. This is reminiscent of so many incidents I've gotten myself into because my friends had something I didn't (yes, including those "somethings" being human beings some of the time, like adorable little nieces, awesome siblings, doting nannies, or awesome, caring boyfriends). So that's why I was waiting for this book. And also 'cause I read another snark of it on this site.
Also, I hate babies, so you're probably gonna hear a lot of vitriol aimed at babies and young children from me during this snark. Now that my friends and I have hit our twenties, I have to hear them talk about their future spawn all the fucking time and I'm like "RRRRGH SHUT UP NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR CROTCH TROPHY." I have no maternal instinct, see babies and children as nothing but leeches, freeloaders, and parasites, and will not be reproducing at all due to my vitriol for babies.
So without further ado, let's mosey.
Karen says she wants a new baby sibling more than anything else in the world, even though she already has Emily. I suppose Emily is a bit dehumanized anyway since she was a fucking surprise Mother's Day present for Elizabeth. Karen goes up to Lisa and is all "MOMMY CAN YOU MAKE A BABY FOR ME?" and Lisa's like "lolno you have a little brother" and Karen's like "BUT BUT HE'S NOT A BABY AND *NANCY* GETS TO HAVE A BABY!" Right now I am so, so glad she is only 7 and not 10 years older. Really, the only reason Karen wants a baby is because Nancy is getting one. Thankfully for any future babies, no baby is in the cards in the Brewer-Thomas-Engle households. There's no way in hell Karen would treat a baby like a human if that's all she wants one for. Karen reveals that she's been calling Mrs. Dawes EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES. asking if the damn baby is here. I wonder how far Mrs. Dawes was from screening her calls. She even calls Mrs. Dawes RIGHT after Nancy comes to her house and tells her specifically that THE BABY IS NOT HERE YET. Nancy is obviously not too thrilled at all about the coming of this baby, and delivers one of the most awesome smartass quotes in any LS book: Karen tells her "Boy, Nancy, you're the luckiest person alive!" and Nancy says, "Well, I don't think I could be lucky and dead."
Nothing happens in the two-two chapter except Karen asks Elizabeth for a baby and Elizabeth's like "Oh hell naw, look at all these kids I have to take care of NOW." Seriously, the woman cares for SEVEN kids and you want to throw a BABY on top of that? Not to mention you already HAVE a freaking baby. You have EMILY!
Karen and Hannie play at the Big House and Karen invites Nancy over, but only so she can ask her mom about the baby. The baby isn't here yet. Nancy comes over and Karen's like "HEY! LET'S MAKE PRESENTS FOR THE BABY!"
Note: Through the entire book, Karen does not speak to Nancy about ANY other topic of conversation besides that damn baby.
Nancy's not thrilled because she still doesn't actually like the baby right now and probably doesn't wanna keep HEARING ABOUT HIM but she reluctantly agrees. They start making different baby things, including a bottle warmer even though that's what microwaves are for (can you put a baby bottle in the microwave?). Karen calls up Mrs. Dawes AGAIN asking if the baby's here yet oh my god.
Chapter 4 (BSC pimp-out!)
This is the BSC pimp-out chapter and a rare moment when the whole BSC is shown in a Karen book. Kristy invites the BSC over and, being kid-obsessed, they get Nancy to talk about the baby. But uh actually it's KAREN doing all the talking about the baby while Nancy reluctantly answers just to show that Karen doesn't completely speak for her. I'm waiting for Mallory or Jessi or someone to say "Karen will you shut up? This is NANCY'S baby sibling not yours so please PIPE THE HELL DOWN!" No Karen you do not need baby tips because you're not the one getting the baby!!! But Karen starts writing down all the BSC's baby tips anyway and Nancy's like "ugh can we go now?" Kristy finally goes "Uh, Karen? Why are YOU writing this down" and Karen's like "'Cause uh uh I CAN BABYSIT FOR THE BABY!" Then they leave because "I did not want us to be pests." Well, you lost that one, Karen.
The Musketeers make more baby things even though they already made a ton the other day and I can see where this is going. Emily finally makes an appearance and runs into the room wanting to help. Karen's like "EMILY GTFO" but Emily runs around trashing everything. Well, Karen, you wanted a baby, so get down and deal with this one, MISS BABY EXPERT. Oh wait, Emily doesn't count for some reason because...I dunno, dehumanization from the whole Mother's Day present thing I guess. Or maybe Karen just wants a non-mobile baby. Sorry, Karen, they don't stay like that forever unless you...yeah, I'll refrain from making one of my friend's Dead Baby Jokes for now. I'm gonna pretend to be sensitive or something even though I kinda already failed at that. Anyway, Nancy's like "My baby won't ever behave like Emily!" and how the fuck can you be so sure about that, Nancy? Emily is behaving like, well, a two-year-old. Your baby's gonna behave like that in 2 years BECAUSE HE IS TWO YEARS OLD. Then they go to Hannie's house to get away from Emily, and Sari starts being annoying. I loled when she pressed all the buttons on the VCR while they were watching TV. Then Nancy's like "My baby won't be like that either" and Karen's like "Yeah, you're right, this baby will be perfect." My god, you two, do you seriously think you're going to get a magic miracle baby who will never, ever run around, yell, get in the way, or do things ALL TODDLERS DO? You're as delusional as a good three quarters of the BSC!
Karen makes a whoooole mess of stupid bottle-warmers and it becomes clear this has nothing to do with making gifts for Nancy's baby sib anymore and everything to do with Karen trying to live out her own baby fantasies. Turns out Karen made a whole bunch of hats too even though there's no way the kid's gonna need that much. This is getting very, very creepy now. Like I said, glad Karen's 7 and not 17 and I'm seeing some major Hand That Rocks The Cradle shit beginning to go on here. Nancy's like "Screw this" and decides to start making snowmen and playing with the craft supplies like a normal kid because she really doesn't wanna hear about babies anymore. But Karen doesn't care and goes to call Mrs. Dawes about the baby again. Then Karen's like HEY HEY HEY NANCY MAYBE YOUR MOM'LL HAVE A LOT MORE BABIES!!! and Nancy's like "Oh come on!!!" and Karen now wants Mrs. Dawes to be Octomom.
More soon. This is creepy as hell.