Friends Forever #9, Kristy and the Kidnapper

OH MY GOD. I was only on page 6 when I realized this book had to be snarked. The Kristy-Abby lesbianism is SCREAMING at me from the pages. This is almost like some fanfics I’ve seen. Was Ellen Miles in the closet???

Ch.1

We begin with Abby throwing herself on Kristy’s bed. She makes a joke and starts cracking up, Kristy thinks “I have to admit she cracks me up too.” Oh, I know Kristy, I know.

She and Abby are apparently on some new debating team that SMS has, and they will be going to DC for 4 days! ZOMG are they going to be sharing a room??? Please please tell me yes!

Oh wait, we gotta backtrack. “I know, I know. You’re probably totally confused. First of all, I haven’t even introduced myself.” NO Kristin Amanda Thomas, I know all about you. I’m like A on Pretty Little Liars: I literally know everything there is to know about you, and then some. I know what grades you get. I know what clothes you like. I know when you first shaved your legs. I KNOW EVERYTHING.

Back to the lesbianism. “The girl lying on my bed? That’s Abby Stevenson” WHA-WHAT??? This could be going soooo many places! The girl lying on my bed??? That sounds like something an overconfident jock would casually say, not a closeted 13-year-old! This is so amazing!!

Debating is just awesome for her and Abby, because they’re both opinionated and say what they think. Unless it’s about their unrequited love for each other, then they’re shy. 10 SMS students are on this new debate team, and they’ll be going with Mr. Fiske and Ms. Simon

Abby uncharacteristically starts asking what Kristy is going to wear for the debates. Kristy says she’ll wear her usual, jeans and a t-shirt, and Abby is all “bitch please? I want to see you in a skirt so you can show off your thunder thighs!” She then starts rummaging through Kristy’s closet (ahem) and pulls out khakis and blouses for Kristy to pack. Kristy’s thought train: “Abby’s like that. She takes charge. Sometimes it bugs me. But I think I know why: It’s because I’m the same way. Abby and I have had some ‘moments,’ I guess you could say.” “MOMENTS”??? In quotation marks?? What on earth does that mean? Why are the quotation marks necessary???  SO MUCH INNUENDO.

“Mary Anne said it’s good for me to be questioned that way (by Abby). It doesn’t feel all that good.” Don’t worry Kristy, it never feels good the first time.

Abby continues the closet foraging and is on a mission for shoes. What exactly are desert boots? Boots you wear in the desert? Do they keep the scorpions out? Or your feet from getting sunburned?

Why is Abby so intent on rifling through Kristy’s closet? To quote, “This is going to be such a cool trip. You and I will actually be able to hang out, the way we never have time to do here…now, for four days, we’ll have time to just relax and enjoy each other’s company.” I see, Abby. You’ve been looking forward to some special Kristy time in that hotel room. Maybe it’ll even have a walk-in closet!

Ch.2

OH NO it’s Melissa Banks. I remember her from Claudia and the World’s Cutest Baby. So annoying. Why is she going on this trip too? Apparently Abby likes her but Kristy is withholding judgment.

DAMN! The three of them have a room together? This ruins some of the midnight liaisons that I assumed would happen. Also, why does SMS always put these kids three to a room? When I was in school it was four to a room, two to a bed, and if you felt weird about sleeping in a bed with another girl too bad (Although my best friend claimed she liked sleeping on the floor and so I got the bed all to myself). Three to a room just does not make sense if there’s two queen beds.

After Melissa flip-flops her answers of whether boys suck or not, Kristy and Abby apparently start sharing one mind and are both thinking, “Was Melissa really cut out for debating? She seemed awfully wishy-washy. Eager to please.”  Hello, threesome. (I’m sorry. It’s the wine talking.)

They all take a nap on the bus, and Kristy has a dream that she debates Bart Simpson, who keeps telling her not to “have a cow, man.” So weird to see The Simpsons referenced in the BSC.

Finally they get to DC. Oh boy! Officially-looking buildings! People talking on cell phones and walking at the same time! Pennsylvania Avenue! Kristy thinks the President and the White House couldn’t’ be far away. Oh, Kristy. You have no idea. Pennsylvania Avenue is a very long street. You could be VERY far from the White House. Also, are they staying in the heart of the city? Not in Silver Spring or something? They’re crossing Penn. Ave. from the north? Weird geography.

Geography smackdown time. There were registration tables in the hotel lobby with titles such as eastern States, Southwest States, and Midwestern States? I’m sorry, I have a degree in geography and this is an impossible question. Where does eastern end and midwestern begin? What about in-between? What exactly is Kentucky? Does Southwest include Nevada, or is that a mountain/Pacific state? This is a never-ending dilemma in my life.

Geography lessons are thrust aside as Kristy spots someone she knows! A boy who used to go to SMS, Terry Hoyt. She’d always wondered what happened to him. And thus the chapter ends. Mystery? Naaahhh.

Ch. 3

Melissa notices Terry too, although she’s more interested in throwing herself at the boy standing next to him. His name is Lucas Goodman, and he and Melissa met at summer camp in Maine. Thus, the true reason for Melissa joining the debate team is revealed. And his father is a congressman…hmmm, I wonder if that detail has anything to do about the kidnapping that the cover alludes to?

Terry is introduced as David Hawthorne, and Kristy immediately demands to know if he ever went to SMS. He denies it, and seems pretty eager to get away from Kristy. Way to not act suspicious when you are clearly trying to hide something. Supposedly Stacey knew this Terry Hoyt the best and waxed lyrical about the golden flecks in his eyes. Does anyone else remember Terry Hoyt, or did they just make him up for this book? I’m thinking back through some Stacey books and I don’t remember him, but it might have been in a mystery I never read?

Ugh, Melissa and Lucas are really sappy for 13-year-olds. What kind of pet name is Mookie? This is Melissa’s name for Lucas, not his name for her which might make a little more sense.

The hotel room mystery is cleared up. It’s not 3 girls in a room with 2 queen beds, this room actually has 2 double beds and one twin-size bed. I have never heard of hotel rooms having this bed configuration, and I’ve stayed in a lot of hotel rooms. If there’s a specific 3^rd bed, it’s always been a fold-out couch, not a whole separate bed. This drives the final stake in the wild bed hijinks I suppose.

We end with them heading down to dinner, and David mysteriously disappears from the table they’re about to sit at and reappears across the room. Seriously, David/Terry, you trying to avoid Kristy is just making her more suspicious. This is KRISTIN AMANDA THOMAS. She needs to be in charge of everything and know every detail of what’s going on even when it does not apply to her at all. You picked the wrong sitter to play cat-and-mouse with.

Ch. 4

The dinner lasts a bit long for Kristy, they have to listen to 5 whole speeches! I totally agree with Kristy though, I remember having to sit through speech after speech (at a conference in DC no less!) and thinking, “why are they so intent on boring a bunch of teenagers??” That conference was really when I learned how to not pay attention. Before that, I ALWAYS paid attention in class. Afterwards, it was so easy to drift off.

WHAT??? Apparently during the night Melissa sneaked out to see Lucas, and Kristy and Abby aren’t overly concerned, just annoyed. What kind of chaperoning was happening here?? Ms. Simon is 2 doors down from them!! What were Melissa and Lucas doing?? There’s an obvious answer for what two teenagers were doing alone at midnight, but I can’t believe that would happen in the BSC.

Abby and Kristy both signed up for the general level debates, instead of the advanced level. Or the level of Master Debater, as I like to think of it. They’ll be on teams of 3, and each person on a team is from a different school. (When I did the National Ocean Sciences Bowl in high school, they assigned us to hang out with kids from different states too…the kids from Oregon. And we were from Washington. Woo. We literally all just sat there thinking/saying “I’m sure you guys are cool, but we really were hoping to hang out with different people. I don’t frickin’ want to talk about salmon with you.” Poor planning on the organizers’ part).  Anyway. Who does Kristy get teamed up with? David/Terry of course! And another kid named Kai. Kristy had “sort of forgotten that she and Abby wouldn’t be on the same time.” Thank you! Will there be lingering looks of longing? Will she sabotage her team so Abby can win? Nothing can keep them apart.

The debate topic: Resolved: cats make better pets than dogs. Kristy has this in the bag! Dogs totally rule! And she always gets assigned to the negative side in debates. But not this time! She has to argue that cats are better than dogs! I could debate that easy. Cats are way better than dogs. Cats require less work, you don’t have to walk them or pick up their poop in public. Dogs are smelly, too, your average dog is way more smelly than your average cat. Cats are also crazy and provide some pretty sweet entertainment, provided that they’re not secretly plotting to murder you. (http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php) . In short, cats are the perfect grad school pet: minimal care required, they sleep all day when you’re gone, and they don’t always want attention.

Kristy goes off to meet up with her teammates, and she decides to put David at ease by telling him that she thinks she was wrong yesterday, she doesn’t know him from SMS. Anyway, it was really her friend Stacey McGill who knew Terry Hoyt best. At the mention of her name, David’s eyes light up….or do they? Kristy’s not sure.

They plan out their debate strategy for a while, then David suggests that they go to the Mall. Abby, Melissa, and Lucas come with them. Wait. A bunch of 13-year-olds are allowed to leave the hotel, completely unsupervised, and go to the Mall??? WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ONE OF THEM??? The school would be totally on the hook because I’m pretty sure the parents would throw a fit if they knew that their kids were wandering around a strange city, a city with pretty tight security no less, all alone. (yes, this was pre-9/11, but still. DC has always been a target). We weren’t allowed to wander around alone and we were in 12^th grade when we went! Although for some reason the year before our teacher let us walk around La Jolla alone, and we had to cut through some sketchy vacant lots with MONSTOR SPIDERS. Maybe this isn’t that unrealistic after all. But we were also 16-17, not 13.

Abby and Kristy argue about which is better, cats or dogs (Abby got assigned to dogs even though she prefers cats because she’s not allergic to them). And we end with this confusing quote, “Abby and I debated all afternoon as David and Lucas showed us around the Mall. But it was all in fun. At least, I thought it was.” What’s this? A lover’s quarrel in the making? Is she saying the debating wasn’t all in fun, or that showing them around the Mall wasn’t? It sure sounds to me like this is some sort of foreshadowing that Abby gets mad at Kristy. You know what they say, more arguments leads to more make-up sex…

Sidenote, I think the reason I see this Abby/Kristy story everywhere is because of Melcia’s awesome fanfics: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1124233/melcia. I hadn’t really thought about it before reading these stories.

Ch.5

Team DKK wins their first round! I love Kristy’s remark, “The other team thought they had us with that hairball argument.” Now that is a debate I want to be a part of.

Dinner, followed by a dance. A dance on the second night? I thought the usual plot is to save that for the last night, so the main BSC character can dance with whoever they fell in luv with on that particular trip.

During the dance, Abby leans over and whispers to Kristy in what I imagine to be a sultry voice, “Want to get out of here? We can go hang out in our room.” “I’m so ready,” Kristy answers. I am not making this shit up. Sure, “hang out,” if it’s code for “practicing the Lincoln-Douglas position.”

When they get back to the room, Abby goes to take a bath, because she needs to prepare herself for her epic night. Kristy calls Stacey to prod her into talking about Terry Hoyt, and Stacey is mysteriously mysterious about him. Kai then calls Kristy to suggest they work some more on their debate strategy that night, leading Abby to get jealous that someone else wants an evening with Kristy. She consoles herself by calling her teammates and telling them they need to practice too so they can beat Kristy to a pulp.

As Kristy’s leaving her room, she sees David down the hall and they start walking together, but David’s acting super weird, keeps looking over his shoulder. He finally whispers that they’re being followed, and Kristy sees a man behind them in a dark shirt and black jeans. OH SNAP, not a dark shirt and jeans! He must be a bad guy! David pulls her into the stairwell and they start running, the man follows them. They’re almost to the lobby when the man catches David and tells him his father is going to pay. Kristy runs out and gets the security guards, and when they get back to the stairs David is gone. The guards run toward the parking garage, and Kristy and the receptionist follow them. Smart move, ladies. A kidnapper, who could have a gun, and you’re following him into an underground space where he’s being corralled by multiple guards. Not the recipe for a shootout at all.

Coming up next: Why was David/Terry being followed? Will the next debate topic be about something that actually matters? Will Kristy and Abby seal the deal?